Today the American Mastodon had the good fortune of possessing a decidedly small appetite. When this occurs, his MO is to grab a fruit juice from the downstairs cafeteria and make his way over to the local outdoor shopping mall. In Los Angeles, where the sun shines 24 hours a day and the streets are lined with Skittles and dandelions, all malls are out of doors. All are accessible.
While he was there, perusing the local bookstore and peeking his head inside the always reliable men's fashion store "Banana Republic", he saw a woman that caught his eye. Unlike the Starbucks woman whose sheer perfection (save one small caveat, as you know) made the AM's head spin and tie loosen, this woman was tall, gangly, and uncoordinated. There is something about a woman who's arms and legs are too long for her body that appeals to the American Mastodon. Don't get him wrong; he doesn't seek out deformed women or prefer ladies to have humpbacks or goiters, nor does he like his women "irregular" - a leg slightly shorter than the other, a hand with small fingers and a bulbous wrist. Granted, these afflictions would all produce a somewhat "gangly, uncoordinated" woman. That is not what the AM is trying to describe, and he apologizes if in your mind this is the image that has been conjured.
No, the American Mastodon simply means a woman who is largely perfect in every way. Where this woman is deficient is in regards to the proportional size of her limbs, and the ease with which she uses them. There is something about a woman whose legs and arms, and occassionally fingers, are longer than intended. The resulting gait, the loping arms, the over-dexterity of fingers buttoning buttons or holding a fork - these are qualities that the AM notices and appreciates. While others may prefer to call these characteristics "deficiences", the AM sees something else - a hint of insecurity, a childish lack of familiarity with one's body, the cute and charming image of a woman tripping for no reason, then steadying herself with her purse.
For you see, like the nurse who wipes a tear from the cheek of a hungry babe; like the shepherd who would walk to ends of the earth to find a lost sheep in the woods; like a benevolent God whose ear is turned always to the voice of the poor and hopeful; the AM, too, loves women of all shapes and sizes, and wishes them happiness and comfort.
Monday, October 25, 2004
AN ENDORSEMENT
The American Mastodon has taken a bit of flack for not enjoying David O. Russel's over-act fest "I Heart Huckabees" which, to be fair, was a movie with genuine moments of brilliance and insight. He just didn't care for it all that much. What, pray tell, is a movie that the AM does care for? And cares for quite some bit?
"Sideways", dear readers. It's fucking great, and if you don't like it, you're either a homo or an Arab, but you're certainly not an American; you are, to be sure, no lover of things pure and sweet.
"Sideways", dear readers. It's fucking great, and if you don't like it, you're either a homo or an Arab, but you're certainly not an American; you are, to be sure, no lover of things pure and sweet.
Friday, October 22, 2004
LE FEVER DE AMARILLO
As literally fives of you know, the American Mastodon is a lover of women. A quite masterful one, at that. Now, this news may come as a surprise to those envisioning the AM as nothing more than a loping, ponderous Zyglolophodon, a veritably furry, proboscidally-endowned, tusk-bearing mammal, long ago wiped from the face of this earth. Well, the AM's got news for you. The laws of nature dictate certain things, and one of them happens to be that the Mastodon is adored by women the world over. The question then becomes not, "which among ye lasses shall claim thee Mastodon," but rather, "which of these lasses shall the Mastodon choose for his lot."
The answer, surpisingly, yet recurringly, is "That gooky one over there."
For you see, the American Mastodon was afflicted at an early age and has yet to find cure for that most elusive of illness, the Yellow Fever. This is no surprise to scholars and scientists who have tracked the migration of the mammal - it was not that long ago, geologically speaking, that the Mastodon's ancestors were making their way to this great nation by way of the Bering Strait.
Yet for as much as the AM loves the wily ways of those smallish, hard-working, and soft-skinned China dolls, he also knows and understands the intricacies of their physical beauty - and, though unfortunate - the limits of their bodies. That's why he finds news of this to be nothing less than the world's ultimate, and quite paradoxical, tease de la coq.
The answer, surpisingly, yet recurringly, is "That gooky one over there."
For you see, the American Mastodon was afflicted at an early age and has yet to find cure for that most elusive of illness, the Yellow Fever. This is no surprise to scholars and scientists who have tracked the migration of the mammal - it was not that long ago, geologically speaking, that the Mastodon's ancestors were making their way to this great nation by way of the Bering Strait.
Yet for as much as the AM loves the wily ways of those smallish, hard-working, and soft-skinned China dolls, he also knows and understands the intricacies of their physical beauty - and, though unfortunate - the limits of their bodies. That's why he finds news of this to be nothing less than the world's ultimate, and quite paradoxical, tease de la coq.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
SHOCK THE VOTE
Rumor on the street is there's a Presidential election coming up. These sorts of things don't concern the American Mastodon all that much. He's been here for thousands of years, and has seen all stripes and colors. Things pretty much move in one direction or the other, and back again. But for any of you that are desirous to know the political leanings of the nation's largest lover of tubers and shoots, be sure to check out the newly-returned Bull Moose Blog.
Damn if that jackanapes didn't steal the AM's style though, you know?
Damn if that jackanapes didn't steal the AM's style though, you know?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)