BRIDE AND BULLSHIT

Back from lunch, and two things.

First of all, I ordered sweet potato fries and little did I know they were going to be cooked in the same fry batter as the fish. Asswipes. So I could only eat a few fries before exceeding my fish oil intake level, and I believe I might have surpassed it. Back at my desk now and am feeling a bit woozy and light-headed. If I never blog again, you will know the reason why.

Pity me?

Second of all, I just have to say that the reason Jane Austen and Bollywood movies have never been combined before is because they're both really fucking dumb.

AND THE WORLD CANNOT HELP BUT CONTINUE TO CRUMBLE

Future Readers

Editor, Times-Union:

I just read the Times-Union with the pictures of the babies (Future Readers of the Times-Union). I wish them all the best for a bright future, but I have some doubts. I have heard about some people graduating that couldn't even read their own diploma.

Reality came to life when I was talking with a neighbor boy. On the back bumper of my truck, I have a plate that reads "Disabled American Veterans - Life Member." He asked me what it said. I told him, "You read it!" He said, "I can't read." I said, "I thought you graduated from Mastodon Valley High School." He said, "I did, but I can't read."

I thought he was joking, but I found out later, he wasn't.

Allen D. Regenos
Mastodon City

YUCKRAKING

Sinclair Lewis's legacy of the muckraking journalist gets a shot of life in this latest report from Fox News.

No rock is left unturned in this damning expose of Michael Jackson's accusers, who claimed to have been "kidnapped", despite mounting evidence to the contrary. Indeed, one of the author's confidential sources has this to say: "The mother loved Outback and wanted to eat there all the time." What kind of woman consumes blooming onions while her son is molested and held hostage by the King of Pop?

Amazingly, the evidence against the defense continues to accumulate. As the author writes, "I have seen receipts that show that the family had a telephone in their hotel room and used it constantly during their five-night stay." Seriously, people, hasn't this witch hunt gone on long enough? Can the regular law-abiding citizens who frequent this site really imagine using a telephone, not to mention repeatedly, if they themselves were kidnapped?

Something smells fishy about this case against Mr. Jackson, and it's not the wine the nice man in the white military uniform just put in my Diet Coke.


Billy Jean is not my lover. He's just a boy who claims that I am the one. Who molested him.

TRAIL OF BULLSHIT AND TEARS

First we called them Indians. But that wasn't sufficient. Not "accurate" they said. So we called them Native Americans. Because two capitalized words and six syllables was the only way to respect the majesty and history of those noble people. Now, apparently, they want to be called yet another name, and this time the moniker happens to be "punk clique". And though I agree it's a more appropriate title, can't we just cut out all this musical chairs bullshit and settle on "Redman"?


You can scalp our heads, you hooligans, but you can't scalp our common sense.

I'VE GOT TO ADMIT

I'm a little pissed that no one told me about this.