Blogger has been unkind to me today, and for that I ask for your forgiveness. I know that you need me; I understand the extent of your cravings for my words - I am the sun's first rays after an Icelandic winter and you are the widow of a good man - I am the Astropop and you are the overweight kid down the street after a game of capture the flag - I am the Grateful Dead t-shirt and you are the cable repair man - I am getting really tired of this bit.
Here's a link to a great article about the proper way for a man to shave his face. Men, if you've been around enough of them, I've found, enjoy talking about shaving. They discuss their opinions of the best razors, the best cream, the best technique. Any man who uses an electric razor is, with good reason, frowned upon and cast out of his circle of friends and made a pariah, justifiably. Much is made of foam or gel; three blades or four; with the grain or against; cold razor or hot. What this article presupposes is that the whole modern enterprise is faulty and the time is high to return to the badger hair brush, the tub of cream, and the double-edged blade.
Call me a fop if you wish, a dandy if you must, but I like Mr. Greenberg's suggestions and I plan on taking some of his advice. One would be a fool to not even give it a go, especially after lines like this: if you’ve never lathered up in the morning with a fine English shaving cream that smells like fresh-cut violets, limes, or lavender, then you are truly missing out on one the great manly pleasures of all time.
If you see a man walking the streets of Southern California with the sweetest, softest damn cheeks you've ever seen, don't think twice, it's alright.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Sunday, April 03, 2005
THE DEATH OF A REALLY OLD VIRGIN
Pope's Dead
VATICAN CITY, April 3 -- His pale, folded hands intertwined with a rosary, Pope John Paul II was laid out inside the papal palace on Sunday, a reminder that if you become a priest, you'll never have sex. As one of history's oldest virgins, the pope reminded the world that there is joy to be found outside the realm of the sexual, though not nearly as easy to find, and not nearly as exhilirating.
The pope, adhering to strict conservative Catholic doctrine, also never jacked off. Man, I bet his balls hurt.
The death of this incredibly old virgin lowers the world total of virgins over the age of 80 to just three: Wilford Brimley, whose children were sowed by the seed of another man; Estelle Getty, whose children were the result of divine birth, and Christopher Hewitt, whose popularity rose as the star of television's "Mr. Belvedere".
VATICAN CITY, April 3 -- His pale, folded hands intertwined with a rosary, Pope John Paul II was laid out inside the papal palace on Sunday, a reminder that if you become a priest, you'll never have sex. As one of history's oldest virgins, the pope reminded the world that there is joy to be found outside the realm of the sexual, though not nearly as easy to find, and not nearly as exhilirating.
The pope, adhering to strict conservative Catholic doctrine, also never jacked off. Man, I bet his balls hurt.
The death of this incredibly old virgin lowers the world total of virgins over the age of 80 to just three: Wilford Brimley, whose children were sowed by the seed of another man; Estelle Getty, whose children were the result of divine birth, and Christopher Hewitt, whose popularity rose as the star of television's "Mr. Belvedere".
Friday, April 01, 2005
IT'S ON DAYS LIKE THESE...
...when the temperature is well above eighty, and the humidity is significant, that I wish to Hell I didn't have "the urticaria". It also makes me pine for the days before I gave up deodorant and showers.
I'M SHOCKED - SHOCKED TO FIND THAT GAMBLING IS GOING ON IN HERE!
The more things stay the same, the more they stay the same. Below are a couple of recent headlines that failed - spectacularly and with great panache - to surprise me in the least.
1) Mugabe's Zimbabwe Government Accused of Election Fraud
Have you ever owned an aquarium with fish? You know how it gets really dirty and gunky and every once in awhile you've got to change the water? Well, did you ever let it go for too long and all the fish died and then stuff started growing on the sides and you tried to clean it but still, you just couldn't scrape all of the crap off, and even though you left it in the hot summer sun to completely dry out for a few days, it still smelled so awful, I mean incredibly pungent, and you just figured that at that point it was worth more to you to just go ahead and spend the $20 on another aquarium instead of monkeying with this one anymore? Sigh. Yeah.
2) US Soldiers Arrested for Columbian Drug Plot
This is just like the movie Three Kings, except these guys didn't save anyone's life, and instead of smuggling gold, it's cocaine, which is basically the same thing, apart from the fact that people die from cocaine, but still, I'm sure that these guys are just as rakish and charming as Ice Cube and George Clooney.
1) Mugabe's Zimbabwe Government Accused of Election Fraud
Have you ever owned an aquarium with fish? You know how it gets really dirty and gunky and every once in awhile you've got to change the water? Well, did you ever let it go for too long and all the fish died and then stuff started growing on the sides and you tried to clean it but still, you just couldn't scrape all of the crap off, and even though you left it in the hot summer sun to completely dry out for a few days, it still smelled so awful, I mean incredibly pungent, and you just figured that at that point it was worth more to you to just go ahead and spend the $20 on another aquarium instead of monkeying with this one anymore? Sigh. Yeah.
2) US Soldiers Arrested for Columbian Drug Plot
This is just like the movie Three Kings, except these guys didn't save anyone's life, and instead of smuggling gold, it's cocaine, which is basically the same thing, apart from the fact that people die from cocaine, but still, I'm sure that these guys are just as rakish and charming as Ice Cube and George Clooney.
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