Wednesday, November 24, 2004

HAND ME THAT BEAKER

It's the day before Thanksgiving and I'm guessing that things will be relatively quiet here in Mastodon headquarters. Tomorrow morning I'll be heading east to the flat expanse of Middle America, and I couldn't be more excited about it. Well, actually, that's a lie. I could certainly be more excited about it, but lets not get into relativism, mmmkay?

I just read this article and I have to say, if this is what it takes to be a professional and groundbreaking geneticist in Britain, then reports of the decline of the American education system have been greatly exaggerated.

The article states that "British scientists said on Wednesday that genetic factors influence female infidelity and the number of sexual partners women have." Right. One of the scientists justifies this position by "adding that environment and upbringing also play a part in explaining the variation in infidelity between women." No shit? Then comes the money quote: "The scientists suspect that many genes could be associated with sexual behavior. They believe genes on chromosomes 3, 7 and 20 could be involved."

Hey, dumbshit. Let Dr. Mastodon rap at ya for a second. Sit back, kick up your feet, and let the knowledge wash over you. Let it seep into your pores and let it tickle your toes. Let it, most importantly, ride.

Now, before I break this piece off academic-style, let me just state that I have not (yet) received an "advanced degree" in any scholastic field, let alone one in the hard sciences. However - and this next fact is one that is fortunate for both me and the future of our species - I do possess a brilliant mind and an amazing capacity for comprehension. And yes, I do know a thing or two about the theory of evolution. In fact, I even studied the subject rigorously for a semester in college. If that's not enough cred for you haters, then perhaps you'd be interested in knowing that my roommate is currently receiving his Ph.D. in evolutionary biology from a barely-accredited state university, and I have beaten him, a number of times, at both Scrabble and tennis. In other words, I feel like I have more than enough solid footing to stand upon.

First of all, it is just common knowledge that the theory of evolution rests upon the notion that an individual of a species (comprised of a confluence of genes) has two purposes in life - surviving until and through the period which it can procreate, and then procreating (as successfully as possible) like the dickens within that window. Anyone who has spent any considerable amount of time around me has seen that second tenet in action*. Therefore, on purely legal grounds, one could argue that all of our genes are acting, in concert, to get as much whoopee as possible. The claim that "genetic factors influence female infidelity" is both so obvious and so misleading, I had to stop masturbating and read it a second time to make sure it wasn't an overly simplistic fact masquerading as a breakthrough scientific study. These doctors might as well have stated, "genetic factors influence males to lie about their income and talents to bed drunken girls in bars", though I doubt they would have received their handsome National Science Grant or whatever they have over there in Britain.

And then to try to pin it on three chromosones is preposterous. All genes are acting with all other genes always. To select three and claim that they are the culprits in getting married women to want to smooch my pole is not just a stretch, it's faulty and awful science.

I should know, people. I'm the American Mastodon.

*get it - action?


Two horny British geneticists recently received funding to study infidelitous women, and, looking at their smug grins, fucking know they got away with one - big time.

3 comments:

King Koopa said...

Hey, you're coming home for Thanksgiving? What gives? Thanksafuckinlot for lettin a brother know. I know you're looking forward to a 4-day binge of Wild Turkey shooters with your buddies over at Rex's Rendevous but you could've at least told me you'd be in town.

Well, with that said, I won't be home the entire holiday weekend anyway, but still...don't hold your breath waiting for my Christmas card this year. Forget the fact that I don't know your current address because you wouldn't get one even if I did know it.

Mathis said...

Koopa, I know it's hard to hide your overt homosexual longings for this furry, trunk-endowned mammal, but when I said Middle America, I meant Columbus, Ohio, and not, unfortunately, Packerton, Indiana. Believe me, I'd love to grab a Coke with you outside that one dude's house.

And speaking of 'Coke', you gotta love the old TU: 2 Face 'Coke' Charges.

King Koopa said...

I don't fall for such sophmoric attempts at goading me into a defensive comeback.

But with that said, I will miss the sight of your mammoth mastadon-schlong this weekend. I'm truly disappointed I won't see you or your massive appendage this weekend. Hopefully the people in Columbus appreciate it.

So, the Times Union has caught up to language of the streets (albeit circa 1970), with this 'coke' bust. Next bust they'll catch up to the 80's and call it "blow, sometimes referred to as 'yay-o'". Warsaw's party scene has fallen on hard times lately. Schue the landscaper getting busted for growing herb and now these 2 Asian guys gettin busted for cocaine. Next they'll be cracking down on high school kids 'Robo-tripping'. (If you don't know what robo-tripping means, you've got something to be thankful for this weekend.)