WHY I NEED A NEW JOB

I am incredibly bored at my job. I used to work for two attorneys, but recently our evening assistant has been coming in earlier and working for the less-busy of the two attorneys. So though I had little to do before, I now have very little to do. How do I fill my time? For the past couple of days it has been looking up people on Friendster that I once new. Old flames, old nemesises (nemesi?), old codgers, and old spinsters.

It's fascinating. It's addictive. It's enjoyable. And it's a wonderful wild goose chase. For instance, say I want to find fictional old friend Beatrice Grimley, but she doesn't show up when I type her full name in (as many people only type in their first name). Well, then, I attempt to find a friend we once had in common, who perhaps has "Beatrice" as a friend. Or say I type in Beatrice's full name and three Beatrices show up, all are 24 years old, but live in different parts of the country and don't have pictures verifying the old crony I'm seeking. The investigation, naturally, continues thus.

But the most fascinating thing about Friendster is the fact that nearly everyone I find, whether or not they are a person I know, is connected to me by five or less connections. The girl I know in New York knows someone in Pittsburgh who knows someone in South Dakota who knows my friend in Florida. Or some such variation.

The American Mastodon is fascinated. And he continues to be bored. And he hates that his life has come to this, but for now, it will do.