Tuesday, February 22, 2005

SHE ALMOST MAKES ME FORGET ABOUT AUDREY

Here's the good news. After examining the picture found on this page, I can ascertain that Ms. Budnitz is not engaged, or worse, married. Do you see a ring? I didn't think so. Having clearly established her availability, let's continue tabulating positives. Brilliant writer. Which makes her beauty all that more difficult to stomach (her look not being that dissimilar to a certain Mennonite often discussed on these pages). What's more, she lives in San Francisco, which is at the least on the same coast. At the most, it's a reason to move.

The bad news. As a legal assistant and entirely unaccomplished (professionally speaking - I was once a sectional tennis champ), I don't feel I'd be able to go toe to toe with fair Judy on either an intellectual front or a physical one. Natural beauties like that don't come along very often, and if ever one was to cross my path, I would likely not notice, or perhaps ascribe to her some deficiency I would find appaling and thus not worthy of my (more than likely) futile attempts to bed her. Or just charm her. Regardless. If I had won the birth lottery (not that I'm complaining - I quite like living in America and not, say, some dustbin in the Sahara with my 12 dying brothers and sisters - but I mean the big one, the Powerball of birth lotteries, independently wealthy with beautiful parents and a heart of pure gold, not to mention a sense of humor and beguiling wit, all wrapped up in a veneer of humbleness and dedication to my fellow man), then I might say I have shot with Judy Budnitz. Or Audrey Tatou, for that matter. By why would I settle for an actress - a French one, at that - with her requisite fits of insanity and her character foundation of narcissism and insecurity, when I could have in her stead a woman who writes stories like "The Kindest Cut," in which the narrator discovers an old journal written by a surgeon during the Civil war who slowly becomes obsessed with severed limbs?

I see you do not have a reasonable answer to this question, and that is entirely my point.

10 comments:

T.S. Farmhand said...

I think she's got that "Warning: Crazy Ahead" look to her. But maybe that's just me.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/20/books/review/20PERROTT.html

Also, I don't care for her writing (but I respect it -- she's some kind of brilliant, just not for me).

You and Monseiur Spoon seem to ruminate often about the priviledge of others; may I suggest finding another use for that old axe (having wielded it too often myself)? Each year it grows heavier in the hand, and it's a terrible way to take down a tree when all you need to do is climb the son of a bitch.

Mathis said...

Whose tree am I attemting to fell, if not my own? Here I write a simple, breif essay extolling the existence of certain people - certain women - whom I deem out of my reach. If I also express that my grasp does not extend far, then so be it.

If you are, on the other hand, responding to something the Mr. Spoon wrote on his web page a couple of days ago, then by all means retire to his site and let your voice be heard. But let it be known that when the garden of the blogosphere becomes choked with an abundance of weeds, kind words and an extended blogroll will not eradicate their presence. I believe that the Bible teaches us when you are on the side of the righteous, even a lowly shepherd like Jacob can down the Goliaths of their day.

T.S. Farmhand said...

Methinks you miss the forest for the tree. I shouldn't have brought up the Spoonbender, but did because he was also saying something about rich beautiful people sometime ago. I don't know when it was since I don't read him everyday, and hardly ever leave comments.

In a nutshell: it's boring to complain about how things are out of your reach, especially because you didn't win a birth lottery. That is all.

Mathis said...

Was I complaining? I didn't think I was - just musing. For instance, some people are really beautiful and talented and charming, and since I've failed to do anything with my life, it'd be nice if someone else had done it for me - like ancestors.

You know. It's like a joke.

Mathis said...

Also, if this is your attempt to try to motivate me to do something worthwhile, well. I have some filing to do.

T.S. Farmhand said...

Hey man, I just got excused from jury duty today, and thus have the day off, and thus can keep posting annoying bullshit until the cows come home.

I think anybody from the midwest who didn't grow up wealthy and/or got sent to private schools, then ends up in a place where are a lot of those people are succeeding (in their careers, at being beautiful, whatever) has a legitimate gripe. The cards really are stacked. But my advice, such that it is, is that it is much cooler to pretend that this is not the case. Don't give away the satisfaction of admitting an inferior position. As Henry Ford said, "Chopping your own wood warms you twice." And I honestly don't think he was talking about self-abuse, though I could be wrong.

Mathis said...

Are you sure he didn't say, "warms you thrice"?

T.S. Farmhand said...

No, it was "twice."

Anonymous said...

Her work is amazing, but it also frightens me. Why can't you just find a nice girl whose art isn't nightmare-inducing? Someone who writes comic books, perhaps?

Mathis said...

Those girls live in Chicago and give me hives, unfortunately.