Thursday, March 31, 2005

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD, SOMEWHAT ACCURATELY

You may remember that a couple of weeks ago I introduced a new segment to the pages of America's greatest blog, The American Mastodon, which just so happens to be this blog, the one you're reading, in which I sought to describe a complex and intricate phenomenon of which I had only a tenuous understanding. The hope, at the time, was that the post would be either marginally humorous or, perhaps even more entertaining, people with actual knowledge of the topic at hand would correct and reprimand my dilletantism in the comments section of the post. Unfortunately, neither happened, and with the exception of a snide comment from a weak and leprous boy from Mumbai named "Jimmy Saffron", the entry was largely ignored. Today I take it upon myself to resurrect the feature and describe for you today, to the best of my ability, the story of a man named Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ was born in a manger in a stable in Bethlehem, over which there was a large star. Wise men came with gifts to give to the parents, Mary and Joseph, though Joseph wasn't Jesus' father, biologically speaking. Mary was a virgin and God inseminated her, and when Jesus was born - surprise - God was nowhere to be found and didn't even leave an address. Joseph was a good man, however, and raised Jesus as his own son, though like any father of an adoptive child, he was a little resentful of Him. Not to mention the fact that Jesus' real father was God, which I'm assuming would make any guy feel pretty small.

Jesus caught on to the "Savior" thing pretty quickly, and at a very early age could be seen at various temples and hillsides preaching to the masses. Then, when He turned twelve, Jesus either went to Asia and studied Eastern religions or he went to North America and taught the Indians about God. (I know, it's a real toss-up!) Though, to be fair to the religion which I will not name but whose adherents believe that after they die they will all populate their own planets, I guess He could have flown to North America or something, like Superman, as He is God's son, but you do know, I hope, that back then they didn't real have boats that could navigate the Atlantic Ocean?

Woah! Didn't mean to editorialize there!

Either way you slice it, Jesus comes back to the Holy Land when He's around thirty and at this point, the dude's got some mad wisdom on His shoulders. He loves a lot of whores and stuff, and works his mojo and makes some miracles, and tells some parables that don't really make sense, like the one about how no matter when the workers on the farm started working during that one day, they all got paid the same, and I mean, I get that the story is about Heaven, but it always just seemed to me like the people who worked longer should have gotten paid more, because they worked harder, and fair is fair.

The rest of the story is basically the plot of the film, "The Last Temptation of Christ", which involves a lot of pain and blood and evil-looking Jews and statuesque-looking Romans. Jesus dies on the cross, and God cries, and then Jesus goes into Hell to find all of the sinners that died before Jesus came to earth, and then Jesus comes back to life and then he ascends to heaven. Whew! What a weekend!!

Today, the legacy of Jesus is vibrant and alive, and can be witnessed most accurately through the actions and intentions of the Republican Party of the United States.

This is a brief history of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

4 comments:

King Koopa said...

"If any of these points are wrong, please don't hesitate to shut the hell up and just let me have a minute in the sun, ok?" - You don't remember writing that, do you? That'll preempt some comments from the peanut gallery.

On to today's post: Hey, did you know that the 3 wise men were Iraqis? And hey, where's that trip to Egypt to flee King Herrod?

I'm with you until age 12. By my recollection, he didn't start preaching to the "masses" until much later. Temple visits? Sure. Question: Where'd you get the trip to Asia to study eastern religions?, I've not heard that one before. And, the farm parable, that's grace, buddy. It gives chumps like you and me a leg to stand on next to Mother Teresa. Besides, when it comes down to being fair, I know I don't want the eternity that I deserve. As far as I'm concerned, God's being "fair" wouldn't get anybody into heaven to hang out with him.

I saw The Last Temptation in college and remember feeling really offended by it. It mixed facts (as I see them) w/ fiction to a maddening extent. I know, I'm supposed view movies from outside my own biases, but when it comes down to the life of Jesus (and all that the way he lived his life implies for me), I couldn't. That movie is kinda similar to republishing the Ten Commandments with "postmodern" revisions. No thanks.

As the black eyed peas are wont to say, let's get it started.

Danny Fisher said...

Your most brilliant post evs? Perhaps.

King Koopa said...

AM - Since you were obviously trying to provoke comments, the least you can do is respond to those who post comments. Otherwise, what's the point?

I'm still genuinely curious where you got Jesus' study-abroad-in-Asia idea? If Mormons believe in the trip to North America, who believes in the other?

Mathis said...

I think I saw it being discussed in a documentary on the History channel some time ago. The specifics escape me. Here's something I found online.

Shakti is the religious scholar here. He will know more than us.

And I think I was way wrong about 12. Looks like he went on his Vision Quest when he was around 30. Learn something (or re-learn it) everday!