THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD, SOMEWHAT ACCURATELY

You may remember that a couple of weeks ago I introduced a new segment to the pages of America's greatest blog, The American Mastodon, which just so happens to be this blog, the one you're reading, in which I sought to describe a complex and intricate phenomenon of which I had only a tenuous understanding. The hope, at the time, was that the post would be either marginally humorous or, perhaps even more entertaining, people with actual knowledge of the topic at hand would correct and reprimand my dilletantism in the comments section of the post. Unfortunately, neither happened, and with the exception of a snide comment from a weak and leprous boy from Mumbai named "Jimmy Saffron", the entry was largely ignored. Today I take it upon myself to resurrect the feature and describe for you today, to the best of my ability, the story of a man named Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ was born in a manger in a stable in Bethlehem, over which there was a large star. Wise men came with gifts to give to the parents, Mary and Joseph, though Joseph wasn't Jesus' father, biologically speaking. Mary was a virgin and God inseminated her, and when Jesus was born - surprise - God was nowhere to be found and didn't even leave an address. Joseph was a good man, however, and raised Jesus as his own son, though like any father of an adoptive child, he was a little resentful of Him. Not to mention the fact that Jesus' real father was God, which I'm assuming would make any guy feel pretty small.

Jesus caught on to the "Savior" thing pretty quickly, and at a very early age could be seen at various temples and hillsides preaching to the masses. Then, when He turned twelve, Jesus either went to Asia and studied Eastern religions or he went to North America and taught the Indians about God. (I know, it's a real toss-up!) Though, to be fair to the religion which I will not name but whose adherents believe that after they die they will all populate their own planets, I guess He could have flown to North America or something, like Superman, as He is God's son, but you do know, I hope, that back then they didn't real have boats that could navigate the Atlantic Ocean?

Woah! Didn't mean to editorialize there!

Either way you slice it, Jesus comes back to the Holy Land when He's around thirty and at this point, the dude's got some mad wisdom on His shoulders. He loves a lot of whores and stuff, and works his mojo and makes some miracles, and tells some parables that don't really make sense, like the one about how no matter when the workers on the farm started working during that one day, they all got paid the same, and I mean, I get that the story is about Heaven, but it always just seemed to me like the people who worked longer should have gotten paid more, because they worked harder, and fair is fair.

The rest of the story is basically the plot of the film, "The Last Temptation of Christ", which involves a lot of pain and blood and evil-looking Jews and statuesque-looking Romans. Jesus dies on the cross, and God cries, and then Jesus goes into Hell to find all of the sinners that died before Jesus came to earth, and then Jesus comes back to life and then he ascends to heaven. Whew! What a weekend!!

Today, the legacy of Jesus is vibrant and alive, and can be witnessed most accurately through the actions and intentions of the Republican Party of the United States.

This is a brief history of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.