Wednesday, March 30, 2005


Huzzah!! Yesterday was a glorious day for those of us who hate animals and love excessive violence, for it marked the opening day of Canada's annual seal hunt, in which it is predicted over 300,000 harp seals (95% of which are between 12 days and 12 weeks old) will be clubbed to death on ice floes off the country's eastern coast. Some people, whom I shall refer to as "total whiners", think that the practice is barbaric and overly cruel. The Canadian government, on the other hand, notes in an essay entitled "The Science Behind the Seal Hunt", that "the harp seal herd — the most important seal herd for this industry — is estimated at around five million animals, nearly the highest level ever recorded, and almost triple what it was in the 1970s." It goes on to point out that the country "establishes a healthy baseline for the hunt that ensures a seal herd of 70 per cent of the current population of around five million. Our goal is simple: to maintain a healthy, strong, sustainable population for years to come."

In other words, the hunt does more than provide income and job stability to a poverty-stricken and isolated region, or uphold centuries-old indigenous practices and tradition. The hunt is properly researched beforehand, much like hunts during deer season in America, so that the overall population does not get out of hand and thus reach a critical point where resources are too thin to support a healthy and vibrant population.

It was also reported today that Australia is encouraging its citizens to have more children as their "patriotic duty", two-thirds of the earth's resources have been used up, and the world's population will continue to rise to unfathomable levels as we put a greater and greater strain on the world's ecosystems, thus increasing the chances for natural disasters and all but ensuring an eventual shortage of natural resources.

A brave hunter helps ensure the fitness and longevity of Canada's Harp Seal population.

These orphans whose parents died of AIDS are a reminder that God hates condoms and those who use them will go to Hell. Keep screwing unsafely, Africa, India, Mexico, and Mormons!


Anonymous said...

Huzzah! is right.
By the way, I saw your favorite program last night and I didn't quite understand the appeal. I mean, beyond the little obese girl suffering with some bizarre skin rotting disorder, and, I have to admit, the strangely Kiefer-like old-man-appeal of Dr. House himself... I'm digging the cane, but nevertheless, I must say, you've yet to win me over, guvnor.

Mathis said...

I wasn't trying to win you over. House can do that all by himself.

I mean, be honest here - don't you find him a little sexy? A little dangerous? A little captious? Totally brilliant?

In sum, a little like me?

Anonymous said...

As a different anonymous, I have to say I haven't even seen the show but I find him completely sexy just from the ads.