Tuesday, March 29, 2005


Late last week I assembled a list of people/actions/things that offended my well-honed sensibilities. Here is the addendum to that list, providing a more complete picture of that which enrages me:

1) Married chicks that let you hit on them for hours before telling you, or before you find out yourself, that they're married
I'm not saying that this has happened to me. Or that it has happened to me recently. Or that it happened last night. But I am saying that it's lame. Look: you're married. Yeah, I know. It sucks. I'm sure it does. Uh-huh. Right. Oh, so the two of you aren't getting along? Ok, that's good to know. And obviously it's tough on any woman to not be able to spend their nights and days with me. I wouldn't know myself, but I can imagine. Sure. Yep. I hear ya. I completely agree - I also think 19 is way too young to swap rings. But let's be honest. I think maybe, just maybe, it says a little something, about you, that you got married before you could legally drink alcohol. Like, maybe you're a little crazy? I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud here. Anyway, I like not getting the shit kicked out of me. Also, I like not being wracked with guilt and shame. I am good man, and I will not make cuckolds of those around me.

2) Terry Schiavo protestors
Do I even need to say it? You are all truly awful people. When the family asked you to please go home so they could spend the last days with their daughter in peace, you thought it was more important to make a sign from supplies you got at Michaels, give it to your 11-year old son, and try to get him on CNN. Trust me, if there's a God, I'm guessing that you're getting on his nerves. You know, maybe it's time you started thinking about getting back to work. I'm sure everyone at the office really misses you.

3) People who make fun of my allergies
I shouldn't really put this on the list, because I'm so used to it that it just sort of washes over me, but it's amusing to me that everytime someone meets me and finds out I have lethal allergies to (variety of foods), they make a joke about putting a (piece of one of a variety of foods) in my (piece of food I'm currently eating) when I'm not looking, thus making me ingest something that would send me into anaphylactic shock, swell my throat shut, boil my skin, dissolve my eyeballs, and shoot blood out of my pores. It's not that I think it's not funny, or that it hurts my feelings or anything. I mean, sure it's kind of funny. And I can take it. But what really irks me is that everyone does it, without fail, and everyone thinks they're clever because they're showing me how much they enjoy my company by letting me know they're just kidding about killing me - and hey, if we can joke about that, we're pretty good fucking friends, right? Sure, I guess so. Whatever.

4) People who care about women's basketball
My mom watches a few women's college baskteball games because there is a girl on Tennessee's team that used to live close to where we're from. She's good and my mom likes to see her do well. But the other day on the phone I was successful in getting my mother to admit that watching women's basketball is, more than anything, a chore. And if my mom's not behind you, trust me, you don't have much of a chance. Seriously, how can anyone watch women playing basketball, on any level, with a straight face? Women's tennis I can understand. Women's soccer, you might convince me. But basketball? Women's basketball? Come on. I mean, come on.

5) Old people who work shitty jobs
Yesterday a coworker and I headed to the local mall at lunchtime and dove into the Banana Republic for a little shoe-shoppin'. Who was there to greet us at the entrance, pushing the latest styles and showcasing the tight fit of the finest BR clothes? Would it be a sprightly and gay young Italian named Maurizio? Perhaps a buxome young Ethiopian beauty clad in black? No. There to peddle the wares of a trendy clothier was a seventy year old man named Elmer, hard of hearing and wearing a cotton knit shirt straight out of the pages of the J.C. Penney catalogue. Shouldn't you be retired, old man? You make me sad. I don't want to work at Banana Republic now, let alone when I'm starting have great-grandchildren. And this is only the latest personal example in what is an alarming trend. Lowe's. Home Depot. Arby's. Why are all the old people fixing my sandwiches and helping me get those lightbulbs on the top shelf? Stop degrading yourselves. I mean, come on, you're the Greatest Generation. Start acting like it.


Anonymous said...

Doesn't Elmer's wife work at Victoria's Secret?


Mathis said...

Yes, Grace, as a matter of fact she does. It was only yesterday at the mall that I asked her to try on an Ipex bra (patent pending) and a tulle and lace thong that I was considering purchasing for my grandmother's upcoming birthday.