Tuesday, March 22, 2005


What are you going to do when the bird flu comes knocking at your door? Thankfully, I've been too busy these past few years to return my bunker, generator, and small arms cache I accumulated during the Y2K scare. Also, the meat I have hanging in my smokeroom should be nice and cured by now, and I've been lucky enough to assemble a small harem of comely young Mormons willing to retire with me to my outpost in the Tetons, should the avian influenza reach our shores.

I can only hope that the rest of you are as well prepared as I, but if not, please don't come round rappin' on my door. I will shoot you and eat you, tan your skin as a hide to don in the winter, and give your bones to my large and talented group of progeny as makeshift musical instruments.

I welcome the bird flu and I pity you, for you are arrogant and lazy, and your end is nigh.


Anonymous said...

I really don't know why you haven't gotten any comments on this one... it's the best I've seen from you in a while, bird boy.

Mathis said...

Thanks, Anonymous, for both your praise and your inquiry. To understand the commenting patterns of the readers that come here, you must first realize that most of them are illiterate assholes. How they navigate through the world wide web, I'm not sure, but ultimately they end up here. My guess is that it's part of a remedial learning program aimed at helping mentally handicapped adults gain some experience and familiarity with the internet. For example, T.S. Farmhand, who often comments on this site, is a 17-year old boy from Kansas who, between his janitorial shifts at McDonalds, likes to visit this site because of the pretty pictures. Sometimes, when his errant punching of the keyboard hits a mark, he stumbles into the comment section and amazing is able to construct a few words, though rarely if ever a coherent thought.

I hope that helps!

King Koopa said...

Well, if my comments aren't funny or witty enough I get called out. The AM made me all comment-self-conscious. I was GOING to say I'd sell you my pallet of y2k teriyaki jerky, but I didn't want to get persecuted (rightly or wrongly) for unfunny comments.

I know, it's not that funny...

Mathis said...

Koopa, you know I love you. If I'm hard on you, it's because I love you more than the others and want you, above all, to succeed in bringing the funny to my door.

I shouldn't have been so harsh on you. But it's the way I was taught, and it's the way I know.

Forgive me.

King Koopa said...

I willst forgive thee, but I shan't forget thee, nor thy transgressions 'gainst me.