VATICAN CITY, April 3 -- His pale, folded hands intertwined with a rosary, Pope John Paul II was laid out inside the papal palace on Sunday, a reminder that if you become a priest, you'll never have sex. As one of history's oldest virgins, the pope reminded the world that there is joy to be found outside the realm of the sexual, though not nearly as easy to find, and not nearly as exhilirating.
The pope, adhering to strict conservative Catholic doctrine, also never jacked off. Man, I bet his balls hurt.
The death of this incredibly old virgin lowers the world total of virgins over the age of 80 to just three: Wilford Brimley, whose children were sowed by the seed of another man; Estelle Getty, whose children were the result of divine birth, and Christopher Hewitt, whose popularity rose as the star of television's "Mr. Belvedere".