Sunday, April 03, 2005


Pope's Dead

VATICAN CITY, April 3 -- His pale, folded hands intertwined with a rosary, Pope John Paul II was laid out inside the papal palace on Sunday, a reminder that if you become a priest, you'll never have sex. As one of history's oldest virgins, the pope reminded the world that there is joy to be found outside the realm of the sexual, though not nearly as easy to find, and not nearly as exhilirating.

The pope, adhering to strict conservative Catholic doctrine, also never jacked off. Man, I bet his balls hurt.

The death of this incredibly old virgin lowers the world total of virgins over the age of 80 to just three: Wilford Brimley, whose children were sowed by the seed of another man; Estelle Getty, whose children were the result of divine birth, and Christopher Hewitt, whose popularity rose as the star of television's "Mr. Belvedere".


Awbnid said...

I've had my doubts about Karol's virginity. He was in his twenties when called to the seminary and had lived a fairly cosmopolitan life, being an actor and poet, before committing to the priesthood. He wrote a fair amount as a priest about how cool and spiritual sex was-- within marriage, he was a really old-school Catholic after all. He was also adored by male and female students alike while teaching philosophy, which I feel is obviously the sexiest of all liberal arts disciplines.

If I was gay in the fifties I'dve had sex with him. No doubt.

Devil in a red dress named liz said...

Does this mean that virgins live longer?

Danny Fisher said...

The title was enough. You didn't have to bring your "A-Game" to the whole post!

Mathis said...

It's the only way I know, Shakti. I'm Varsity through and through, always and forever, this day and tomorrow.