FEET TOGETHER, ARMS OUTSTRETCHED

What with the Holocaust, good engineering, and a respectable sternness, you just wouldn't be human if you didn't love the Germans. More specifically, you wouldn't be a living, breathing, lump of wasted space if you didn't love this German:



Antje Vollmer, pictured above, is the head of Germany's Green Party and the highest-ranking woman in the country's Parliament. In addition to her political successes, she's also a foxy minx who loves to play I-am-a-Muslim-man's-property dress-up. Recently, she expressed to the press a new theory concerning the United States and its foreign policy decisions, accusing the American government of orchestrating the Catholic pedophilia scandal in order to weaken the moral relativeness of an already frail pope - a pope that oppossed the war in Iraq. She went on to claim that it was this reasoning that also led the US to declare Poland its chief partner in the Iraq War: i.e., it was all done to make the Vatican look bad.

Let's forget, for a second, that little boys getting raped by priests and hundred million dollar settlements paid by the Catholic Church would have been a bit difficult to coordinate from Washington, or the fact that the United States would have trumpeted any country recognizable to at least 20% of the American public as a chief partner in the Iraq War. Let's put that aside for now and think about something more pressing: how in the world did she come up with this theory? My friends, I think you and I both know the answer to that question. Pot. Lots of pot. And as the leader of the Green Party, I'd bet dollars to donkey dicks that she's been smoking the good stuff.

Dude, you know what I was thinking about, today, man? (Inhales huge bong hit) It sort of came together and made some serious fucking sense...shut up, Rammerstein! I'm talking about some serious shit, man, a huge government cover-up. Fuck! I mean, crazy shit...shit that is seriously intense - fuck, man, you guys don't even know. I'm talking about the POPE, man. I'm talking about the US and the POPE, man - the US was trying to take down the POPE, you fuckers. (Another huge hit) I'm taking this shit to Parliament, fuck you guys. You don't even know.