Wednesday, April 20, 2005

HEAL THE WORLD

You know when you wake up in the morning, sit upright and rub the sleep out of your eyes, then think to yourself, "today I'm going to help the little blackies suffering in squalor in the Dark Continent?" Well, today was one of those days. I'm sick of psuedo-caring about the crisis in Darfur, and I figured that there was no way to completely extinguish those feelings of sympathy until I did a little something to help the effort. Then, and only then, would that pestering feeling of shame and guilt and emotion go away, leaving me more fully able to enjoy tonight's episode of American Idol. So I threw a little money to a humanitarian organization today, appropriately elevating my self-satisfaction gauge to unprecendented levels and sating my near constant urge to be a better person than you assholes (with the exception of Fisher, of course, who is really sort of in a different ballpark here, though I will say there is a pleasant satisfaction in knowing I could kick his ass).

You may wonder why I bring this up. "It sounds like he's tooting his own horn," you'll say. Well, ladies, truth be told, that is unfortunately the only person who's been tooting my horn lately, and frankly, I don't mind tooting it one bit. In fact, I'll readily admit that my only point here is to prove to everyone I know that I care more about dark people than they do, and I couldn't really think of any better way to do that than to give a very small and comfortable amount of money to a group I have never heard of over the internet, thereby saving me precious time to finish my game of solitaire and take an online IQ test.

I hope you all feel like douchebags for not loving people as much as I do, but if you wish to aspire to my saintly level of philanthropy and, in the words of Kevin Spacey, "pay it forward," here are some links to check out.

This is the part where I say that my fight (crusade?) continues.

3 comments:

Danny Fisher said...

(with the exception of Fisher, of course, who is really sort of in a different ballpark here, though I will say there is a pleasant satisfaction in knowing I could kick his ass)

How dare you? I'll have you know that I'm currently taking a 3-credit course on T'ai-Chi Chuan. While it may be one of the "inner" martial arts, it nonetheless has martial applications. I could poke your eyes out with the best of 'em, small fry.

cna said...

I can see you guys here.

Mathis said...

Fisher: Oh, I dare.

CNA: Your gay fantasies are cool and everything, but don't confuse the animosity between Fisher and I as some sort repressed homo-tension.

*looks off into space* ...Mmmmmmm....repressed homo-tension... *drool*