MOM YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS

When I was younger and more mischevious, I did things that I wouldn't do now that I'm a full-grown man, unless perhaps I were fall-down drunk. And if I had already fallen down, then I wouldn't really be able to do anything at all, now would I? And that's what you call a quandry.

The things I speak of are things that many of us did, I'm sure, at one time or another - teepeeing the cute girl's house, egging some asshole's car, and listening to the Beastie Boys. I used to listen to the Beastie Boys because all of my friends that played soccer listened to them. Growing up, I always thought it was a soccer thing. But then I got older and realized that everyone listened to the Beastie Boys. Not that there's anything wrong with the Beastie Boys, it's just, well, if we're in the business of picking a band that's universally liked, I think we can do better than the Beastie Boys. Can't we? What about Luna? Everyone that I know who knows Luna likes Luna. So why can't everyone know them, and everyone like them? The world is a strange place.

Anyway, do you remember that one Beastie Boys song where they go, "If it's gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes"? Well, I was thinking this weekend, and you know what? I don't think I've ever been to a party where I thought that it was appropriate to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes. Not because I haven't been drunk and reckless and partially nude at a party before, but because those parties typically don't have bowls of mashed potatoes lying around, waiting for someone to thrust their penis in it. In fact, most of the parties that I attend where an ample supply of mashed potatoes can be found are family events. And never once has a family gathering escalated to the point where I felt like I had no recourse but to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes since, as they say, "it's gonna be that kind of party."

Now, I know what some of you are saying. "What?" you exclaim. "I don't do anything but go to parties where there is a high level of debauchery and many bowls of mashed potatoes. You need to get out more, Mastodon."

This may be true. I won't argue with anyone who says that I have to get out more. It's just that I'm sitting here at my desk trying to think of what kind of party could combine excessive tomfoolery and sexual provocation with bowls of mashed potatoes, and I'm coming up empty. Total bupkis. Nothing.

Zip. Zilch.