1) Don't believe the White Stripes/Get Behind Me Satan hype. I mean, yeah, it's better than most of the shit out there, but - and here's the problem - it's not better than their other albums. Jack White has finally (in a record three years) made the successful transition from the genuine article, a fiery country preacher leading his devoted flock to the river for a rock baptism, to smarmy snake-oil salesman. Buy his balm if you wish, but it ain't gonna heal your now cancerous lack of taste.
2) Do believe the Werner Herzog hype. Sure, there's no such thing as Werner Herzog hype, but there should be. I could start it. Hey, everyone!! Check out the new Werner Herzog film! It's fucking amazing!!
3) I should've told you all not to believe the Star Wars hype, but who would have listened to me? Anyone? No, no one would have. So what would've been the point? I didn't see it, I'm not going to see it, and I don't want to see it. You saw it, and now you're regretting it. Am I right? Am I?
4) Don't believe The Mountain Goats hype. They might have one or two good songs, but so did The Spin Doctors. And since they release so many albums, their ratio of good to bad songs is roughly equal to the number of days I wake up without crying.
5) Is there Shakira hype? Shouldn't there be? Have you seen her new video? It's hands down the sexiest music video I've ever seen. That includes the Enrique Iglesias ones. I think I even popped a chub when I saw it.
6) Do believe the Cubs hype. Season of destiny? They're getting closer to the Cardinals every day. When Woods gets healthy, forget about it. Pennant, here we come. Seriously. Seriously. No, seriously, I have to be this delusional, otherwise I wouldn't be a Cubs fan. Kick it, Kyle.