Monday, August 01, 2005

I HAVE NEVER USED STEROIDS. PERIOD.

The following statement was read by The American Mastodon at a press conference held on Monday, August 1, 2005.

This morning, as many of you know, the Commissioner of the League of Baseball issued a statement that I, the American Mastodon, have tested positive for steroids and will consequently be serving a ten day suspension.

Let me start by telling you this: I have never used steroids. Period. I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never. Ever. Seriously, not once. Never have I ever. Am I getting through yet? I don't know how to make it any clearer.

Now, there are some of you in the press who have used this as opportunity to attack me, to say that I am a liar and a cheat. You have said, time and again, in print and on television, "How did this player, who last year was batting in the 8th spot on a single-A team in Nebraska, how did he become the league's leading candidate for the Triple Crown, and not only that, but how is it that he is on pace to shatter the single season home run record, with an astounding 64 home runs already, today, this first day of August, which if he kept up this pace would put him over 90 home runs, and if his team got in the playoffs, maybe even 100." You infer that I was able to do this through the use of anabolic steroids. You go on to infer that today's test results are a justification of your claims.

Let me just say this right now: you are all wrong. Even my mother, who called me this morning crying, asking me how I could have done this and why? Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told her: I didn't do it and I never have. As to the question of how my performance has improved so much this year, I say this: I do not deny that my numbers seem miraculous. And why is that? Well, I'll tell you why. Because what's happened to me is a miracle. That's right, a miracle. I can't be any more plainspoken than that. I can't dress it down any more. What you see it what you get with me, boy. And here's the thing: the Lord God Jesus Christ visited me at the beginning of the season and gave me inhuman powers. So far as I know, that's not prohibited by MLB or sanctioned in any way.

Now, of course there will be some of you who will point to the fact that I have gained 60 pounds over the past year, mostly in my shoulders, chest, and forearms. You ask me how such a feat is possible without the use of anabolic steroids. Well, for one thing, I'm not a doctor. I'm just a baseball player. If you're going to get me up here under these bright lights and ask me to explain the intricacies of the human body, then let's face it, I'm not going to be much help. All I really know how to do is swing a bat and catch a ball. And to be honest, I do it pretty well. I always have. I love this game. You can't really argue with that, now you can you? I love this game and I always will. It's a great game. If I weren't miraculously blessed with power and speed and the insatiable desire to WIN WIN WIN, then I wouldn't know where I'd be right now. Probably fixing pickup trucks back in Sioux Falls. Baseball saved me, man. Baseball is my redeemer. Now why would I do something like what you're accusing me of? That's just silly. I can't be any more forthright with you. I love baseball as much as I've never used steroids. Which is to say, a ton and never.

Now, I realize that there are still those among you who, no matter what I might say, will refuse to believe me. You'll say, "If you are all of the things you've claimed, then how is it that steroids were found in your bloodstream? How is that you've failed this test?" Well, all I know how to be is honest, so I'll come right out and say it: I don't know. Being completely honest is just how I was raised. I don't know any other way. The fact is, you're asking me how steroids got in my system, and I've already told you that I've never taken steroids. So that's like asking me how the earth got here. How we all got here, you know? Am I making sense? Like, I'm just a guy. I'm just a guy who plays baseball. I don't know how the earth got here. I don't know why we're born who we are, why we can't be somebody else? Like, these are just things I don't know. Just like I don't know how steroids got in my body. Some things, in life, they're a mystery. I don't think God meant for us to understand them. I guess this is just one of those mysteries.

In closing, I just want to say to all of the kids of America: nothing good comes from steroids. I, personally, wouldn't know, because I've never taken them, but it seems that in general, people tend to look down on them. There's nothing - and I mean nothing - that steroids can help you achieve that you can't also achieve through hard work, a positive attitude, and relentless determination. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go film a shoe commercial and then pick my wife up at the airport, as she's just come back from a photo shoot on Bermuda for Maxim.

I don't know how I can be any more clear than that.

5 comments:

Danny Fisher said...

I love baseball as much as I've never used steroids. Which is to say, a ton and never.

Brilliant.

Ian said...

"If the women in these ads lacked self-esteem, they wouldn't be up on a billboard in their skivvies. Hey, good for them. I even have a favorite Dove chick: Stacy (the student). She's the one who poses with her backside to the camera, showing off her ample bottom. I see Stacy every day—she's on the bus stop shelter next to my house. "Check out this fiiiiiiiine bedonkadonk," she seems to say to me, grinning slyly over her shoulder. I think I may have a crush on her. But I've said too much already."

Did you write this?

Mathis said...

Ian: I don't know who wrote that article, but I'd venture to guess that whoever penned it is a fan of the site "WULAD", of which you are the proprietor. Actually, I don't really think that at all. Rather, I think that this merely proves that our opinions regarding ample-sized women are prescient and cutting-edge, much like our research in the field of string theory.

Also, I thought that you were the Stacy man. My favorite remains the large breasted Jewy gal.

Ian said...

Strangely, they didn't mention the whole poopy-diapers bit.

King Koopa said...

If you like plus-sized women, you should live in a place that's filled with them. There is a place like this. It's called the American Midwest.