Tuesday, September 27, 2005

A BIGOT ATTEMPTS TO DESCRIBE THE RECENT HURRICANES, IN A LETTER TO HIS HOMETOWN NEWSPAPER

Dear Editor, The Upland Reporter and Weekend Trader:

Maybe you've noticed there was a hurricane or two. I saw them. I read about them in your paper and I heard about them on the radio. Ask me if I'm surprised. Well, I'm not.

People forget that God's judgment is supreme. He doesn't cotton to sinfulness and sexual vagaries. Maybe you've heard about Sodom and Gomorrah? Sure you have, it's all there in the Bible. When you let the homosexuals prance around in the streets something bad is bound to happen. God can only hold His nose for so long. That's what people tend to forget. God is always watching, even when it seems like He's not. So, if you want to say hello to the homosexuals and treat them like normal human beings, be sure you're also ready to say goodbye to your city, is what I'm saying. It's there in the Bible.

And what about all those riverboat casinos? Did you know that the day before the hurricane came through they were fixing to open the largest casino riverboat ever on the Gulf Coast? Doesn't take a rocket scientist to put two and two together. I don't claim to be a smart man but I do know up from down. Did you hear that in one of those casinos there were rooms where you could drink alcohol, gamble, and watch naked ladies dance around? A swift hand comes through and smashes all that garbage to bits and we sit around and try to figure out what it is God's trying to tell us. Huh, gee. I wonder.

I heard on the Rush Limbaugh show the other day that it's a known fact that most of the people of New Orleans were on welfare. And that those people on welfare were smoking crackpipes with the money the government gave them. I told my neighbor Jack Hendry back in 1964 that welfare wouldn't get this country a square inch and don't mind me if I assume for a second that I was right. You think God condones sloth and depravity? Those people live in America, they shouldn't be blaming anybody. My dad was poorer than an Indian without a teepee, but he still succeeded and even became an usher at our church. Sit around on your behinds all day doing drugs and shooting your neighbor - you better believe God's got some opinions about that kind of behavior.

I saw on Fox News the other day that now we have the ACLU coming down and causing a stink. Who died and made them kings? They think they have all the answers. Well, you know who does have all the answers? I'll give you a hint. Starts with a G and ends with a D.

And here's another thing: didn't the government just order all the courthouses to remove the Ten Commandments from their lawns? You don't think God's maybe blowing off a little steam at the fact that He's no longer welcome in our public institutions? I know I'd be a little miffed if I sent my only son to earth to die for everyone's sins only to be forgotten and despised. Another wonderful moment in American history for which we can thank the ACLU. Before you know it, the court will be mandating orgies and pederasty and after it's too late and God has smited us all we'll think, "huh, maybe we should have stopped those liberals before they got on a roll." I'm not a person who's afraid to call a spade a spade.

I wonder how many abortions those welfare moms down in New Orleans have had. I'm guessing a whole heck of a lot more than the number of people who might've died in the storm. God's giving you a wake-up call, people. What if my mom had had an abortion? I tell you, sometimes I'm glad she didn't and sometimes I wonder what the heck this whole world is coming to and figure that somebody should have rubbed me out before I knew any better. But ask me if I think killing babies is something Jesus would've done. I don't know everything, but I do know that me and God are in agreement when it comes to that one.

This used to be a country that feared and worshipped God and asked for His blessing. I guess nowadays it's easier to fear and worship your local Taco Bell or your internet porn that it is to get on your hands and knees and ask for some repentance. We live in the age of the "me" culture, and I for one am sick of everyone sticking all their sin in my face all the time, then sitting around shocked when God sends in the calvary to clean up the battlefield.

Seems like nowadays the liberals and the gays and the media elite don't mind telling everyone else how they should or shouldn't live. Well, maybe if they took a page from Jesus's life and just tried showing a little humility, we all wouldn't find ourselves in such a mess.

Yeah, right. Don't hold your breath.

Welcome to the future, people. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Maximillian Morris
Upland
(via telegraph)

8 comments:

Laura said...

"Well, you know has all the answers? I'll give you a hint. Starts with a G and ends with a D."

Gilbert Gottfried??

Mathis said...

Actually, I think he was referring to Garfield.

cna said...

I vote Gary Sheffield. He's not trying to get no Pepsi commercial.

King Koopa said...

Me thinks Masty is trying to pull one over on us again, ala his unearthed early Tom Freidman essay...

But, I was in New Orleans several years ago over a Labor Day weekend. And, I came to learn that Labor Day weekend in New Orleans is also their Gay Pride weekend...or something...a bunch of gay dudes chained to one another and wearing black leather...I guess that's a "proud" display of something, right?...Anyway, I did see homosexuals prancing in the streets and something bad did happen to me that weekend: I got 2 speeding tickets in the span of 3 days, plus another one for our mutual friend, A_bright (ask him about that story). I think we caught some residual judgement or something. If only the usual titty-flashing had been going on, maybe we would've escaped judgement-free.

I DID get to see The Meters in concert that weekend though, which made it all worth it. I was Cissy Struttin all over town after that!

Mathis said...

And, I came to learn that Labor Day weekend in New Orleans is also their Gay Pride weekend...

Right. I'm sure it was just a big coincidence.

King Koopa said...

Seriously, ask A_bright about that weekend...craziness. A completely spontaneous 'Let's go to New Orleans!' weekend. Three shirtless, sweaty dudes 3-wide across the bench seat of a small mazda truck driving through the Southern half of the US with no A/C in early September. The first night down there we all slept in the truck on the banks of Lake Ponchatrain (which we mistakenly thought was the Gulf of Mexico when we awoke and discovered it right beside us).

Oh, shoot, maybe you've got a good point there, masty (or should I say, "Maximillion"?!) But wait, if I WAS gay and if I DID know it was Gay Pride weekend, then I wouldn't I have brought my own black leather and chains, as opposed to having to rent them once I got there? Furthermore, if I WAS gay and if I WAS there for Gay pride weekend, why wouldn't I leave that poor leopard-skin-hotpants-wearing woman alone at The Meters show and quit grinding all up on her backside like a drunken 21 yr old kid who hadn't yet learned that women hate it when guys do that (oh wait, thats exactly what I was...)

I rest my case, your honor.

Danny Fisher said...

Me thinks Masty is trying to pull one over on us again, ala his unearthed early Tom Freidman essay...

Either way, I hate to see this kind of thing more than once in a day. I come here to laugh and have my soul fed, after all.

Mathis said...

Jesus Christ, have both of you wankers lost your sense of humor?

Go away.