Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Clearly, Andrew Sullivan is very, very gay. No straight man, or slightly gay man, would ever refer to Arianna Huffington and Judy Miller as a couple of "sex-vixens". How could one's sexy-meter get so jabberwocky? Even I, a very straight man, or at the least, a man of average straightness - a man who feels content acknowledging the manly manliness of a Stone Phillips or the sensitive soulfulness of an Aaron Brown - would never go so far as to call Joe Scarborough or John McLaughlin (baaah, baaaaye!) a couple of "sex-pots".

Based on this comment, which shows a complete lack of understanding of the sexual attractiveness of post-menopausal women, Andrew Sullivan rates a sporting 8.9 out of 10 on the official "American Mastodon Gay Meter"*.

As a measure of perspective, I rate a meager 1.2 (Johnny Depp, Bruce Springsteen), while the Pope, currently the gayest man alive, rates a 9.8. The gayest man who ever lived, Andrew "Stonewall" (wink-wink) Jackson, serves as the data point at the end of the curve, and as such is the only man to ever receive a 10.0 on the official "American Mastodon Gay Meter"*.

Wow, is this man gay or what?

*copyright pending


King Koopa said...

What about John Wayne? Everytime I watch 'Repo Man' I crack up at the "John Wayne was a fag" scene.

Mathis said...

Doesn't sound that funny. Calling someone a "fag" is lame. The only time it's not is when Elton John is talking about that Eminem song, which is just weird.

Also, how many times have you seen 'Repo Man'? You make it sound like you watch it all the time.

King Koopa said...

Sounds like you need to add Repo Man to your Netflix list. Great film.

Anytime you've got Harry Dean Stanton playing a repo man who is defending the straightness of John Wayne, it's funny. You can take it to the comedy bank. Deposit accepted.

I own the dvd (I've seen it 5,6 times), which features lines like...

Debbi: Duke, let's go do some crimes.
Duke: Yeah! Let's go get sushi and not pay.
Bud (Stanton): Most people try to avoid tense situations. A repo man spends his life getting IN to tense situations.
----------------------------------Bud: Goddamn-dipshit-Rodriguez-gypsy-dildo-punks. I'll get your ass.
Bud: Credit is a sacred trust, it's what our free society is founded on. Do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia? I said, do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia?
Otto (Estevez): They don't pay bills in Russia, it's all free.
Bud: All free? Free my ass. What are you, a fuckin' commie? Huh?
Otto: No, I ain't no commie.
Bud: Well, you better not be. I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.

Barry said...

I'd like to know where I fall on this scale....
(Paul Lynde voice): or who I fall between even!!!

Mathis said...

Barry: Knowing what I know of you, namely that you had girlfriends even in college, and knowing that you would probably not find Judy Miller attractive (though who knows?), thereby exhibiting at least a marginal if not fully competent understanding of what makes a woman attractive to men, then I would have to rate you as solidly but not super gay, somewhere in the range of 8.1.

Does that sound about right? Feel free to amend.

JTony said...

I dunno. I think I'm pretty low on the gay meter, and I'd do either one of them. Or both of them. Together.

And Repo Man rocks (I've seen it 5 times in the theater... never seen it on video).