"THAT'S THE DANGER. WHEN IT GOES BIRD, PERSON, PERSON"

First of all, apologies for leaving that last post up so long. I know that most of you had requested I leave it up long enough so that you could print it out and send it to friends, hyperlink to your own blogs, and forward it on to your local and state representatives. Well, folks, the party's over. You'll have to head to the archives to get your strange, creepy, "why did he write that," homo-charged, political thrills from now on.

Hey, anybody watch or listen to Bush's press conference this morning? Does it seem to you that he always learns a new word before a press conference and then tries to see how many times he can use the new word? I think it was obvious that today's new word was "opine". "Lot a people wanna 'opine' bout Harriet Miers' qualifications, but you can only 'opine' so long before you gotta do something besides 'opinin' and I think that's why the Senate will approve Harriet Miers as the next Supreme Court Justice."

I had a really weird dream last night. Do you want me tell you about it? No? Not even a quick synopsis? No, really? Ok, fine, well, don't come crawling to me to tell me about your dreams, then. Oh, you won't, huh? Right, like you never try to tell me about your dreams. Ok, you want me to tell you a time when you did? What is this, an inquisition? I'm just saying, don't expect any favors. And frankly, I bet your dreams are boring. I bet they're all like, "ooh, look at me, I'm flying through the frosty February air on a beautiful unicorn," and, "hey look at this, I'm swimming in a sea of frothy, delicious pudding and I'm surrounded by lusty and virginous women," which really, man, are totally obviously just dreams you made up, because you know that I don't want to hear what your real dreams are about, dreams which really creep you out, like kissing that retarded girl that used to sit next to you in seventh grade history class or robbing nursing homes with your dead grandfather and killing all of the old people inside while they watch "The Natural" on the pay-per-view channel or living in some weird colony on Mars where all the people are half-Asian, half-wolf and you are their king but there are grumblings amongst your men so you flee in your space pod to another planet but instead of reaching your destination you get sucked into some time warp fold in the universe and then you're back on earth in the year 1819, a merchant in the harbor at Tangiers, selling incense and flowers but you have no tongue and you have no clothes and then you are running after some strange woman in a purple calico dress, but always too slow, you can never run fast enough to catch her, and then you wake up sweating.

So just don't even try to tell me shit like that, because I don't care.