Monday, December 12, 2005


It's that time of year where, if you're anal or watched too much Seinfeld or grew up in the nineties, you feel it is necessary to rank or merely arrange various experiences you've had into categorical lists, for the benefit of your own neurotic impulses!

So, without any ado, here is a list of things people didn't think that much about in 2005, but should have:

1.) Envy

This movie was really funny, but no one watched it. Therefore, very few people thought of or discussed it with friends and family.

2.) Natascha McElhone

She is so unbelievably gorgeous I can't stand it. But really, have you ever heard anybody talk about her?

3.) Aliens

Besides the exception of War of the Worlds and Scientologists, people have really just almost completely stopped talking about aliens.

4.) Paul Bunyan, Pecos Bill, John Henry, and Johnny Appleseed

No one really talks about American folk heroes anymore. Or it could be that I'm just not hanging around enough fourth graders.

5.) The guy I watched get shot and who presumably died yesterday in the Target parking lot

I've yet to find a single local news story covering this, even though a man was shot and killed in a very public place with lots of witnesses. I ask you, why aren't more people talking about this? As my brother suggested to me earlier today, it could be that I left before the MIB arrived and erased everyone's memories. In which case, I witnessed some sort of alien either killing or being killed. And that brings us back to the fact that more people should be talking about aliens, but aren't.

6.) Ska Music

Wait, sorry. Shouldn't be on the list. This is a topic that people both a) haven't been talking about and b) should not ever talk about.

7.) Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

I'm pretty sure this show is still airing new episodes, but when was the last time you heard somebody say, "Hey, did you see that guy win $250,000 yesterday on Millionaire?" I bet it's been awhile.

More will come later. Suggestions?


cna said...

No one is talking about this.

Mathis said...

You're right, they aren't, nor should they. See "Ska Music" from above.

Get your head out of your ass.

These are things that people should be talking about, but aren't.

Ian said...

I believe that was actually Natasha McSuch-and-Such who was shot at Target (imagine me saying Tar-zhay like the "mock"-effete people my parents hung out with when I was a kid).

Also, at first glance, that movie poster looks like it says "Ben STILLER is BLACK!" which is a pretty good idea for a movie, I think. People would definitely talk about that one. Son of Soul Man! Let's make this happen!

Trevor Jackson said...

Hear, hear, on Ms. McElhone, whose charms I've been dazzled by since the otherwise forgettable Devil's Own. But people were more likely to think of her in 2002 when she was in 5 movies. So maybe she doesn't want us thinking about her this year? Can't we respect her wishes?

Can I nominate omelettes? I think people take the omelette for granted. And its close cousin, the fritatta.

Mathis said...

I see your omelette, Trevor, and raise you a waffle. No, no. Make that, "Belgian Waffles".

Hell yeah, I did.

cna said...

A lot of people think dolphins are aliens, or angels, or something, because they are so smart. But it's not dolphins that are aliens, it's sharks!

Sharks came down to Earth a loooooong time ago, like 300 million years. We know this because there are places, like in Montana, where a huge strangely-shaped landing party was buried and preserved so we would know the truth. Sharks don't make good fossils because their skeletons are made of cartilage, which is deliberate so that we can't trace their movements over the planet's history! Anyway, when they came there were all sorts of them, but soon they settled down to ruling our oceans (because oceans are like three quarters of the planet) and chose the shapes they needed. There are Great Whites, which are the bosses, because in evil societies like the Empire the toughest ones are the bosses. There are the mako sharks, which are the messengers because they go very fast. There's the hammerhead sharks, which are like the KGB, but for sharks. And whale sharks... I'm not sure, but I think if you're bad the great whites suck out your brain and your big teeth and make you a whale shark, which is the thing sharks are really afraid of because they like eating people.

Mathis said...

I don't know where that came from, but that's some gem dandy, grade-A, top-notch Varsity material.

Well done, cna. You've redeemed yourself.

King Koopa said...

The Bermuda Triangle.

What the hell's up with the Bermuda Triangle these days? That's a water-cooler staple that's due for a Dateline special or two, maybe even an A Current Affair half-hour special.

And, while I'm thinking about the Caribbean, whatever happened to Natalee Holloway? Did she disappear into the Triangle? Is that why nobody's talking? I want more stories about the missing cute, blond white girl.

King Koopa said...

Also, the Bermuda Triangle makes for some great pickup lines, like: "So, the Bermuda Triangle, what the hell, right? I mean, how come we've figured out it's a triangle, but we still can't crack the case? Shouldn't they be able to triangulate something and solve that shit?"

Also, boomerangs. Nobody talks about boomerangs. They're totally awesome. But, nobody can explain why they come back to you when you throw them. What the hell?

Rob said...

I think having Natascha McElhone and aliens on the same list is redundant. You're prettier than she is, AM, and you're exceedingly ugly.

Jimmy Saffron said...

I think you ought to take "Envy" off this list. Now that I've seen it, I'm talking about it to anyone who will listen.

Mathis said...

Bosco: Tim?
Tim Dingman: Yeah.
Bosco: Tim?
Tim Dingman: Yeah.
Bosco: You're Tim?
Tim Dingman: Yeah I'm Tim.

Jimmy Saffron said...

J-man says, "Come quick."