Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Alec Baldwin: Let me have your attention for a moment. 'Cause you're talkin' about what...you're talkin' 'bout...bitchin' about not being able to count money? Some son of a bitch buys a stamp, gives you a dollar, now you've got to figure out what he gets back, so forth, let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

Teacher: All but one.

Baldwin: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important. (sees child in back of class with carpet square). Put that square down. Carpet is for counters only. You think I'm fuckin' with you? I am not fuckin' with you. I'm here from Central Administration. I'm here from the superintendent's office. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Dakota?

Dakota: Yeah.

Baldwin: You call yourself a change counter, you son of a bitch.

Randall (another child in the class): Mrs. Roberts, do I have to listen to the bad man anymore?

Baldwin: You certainly don't pal 'cause the good news is you just got a time out. The bad news is you got all you got, just one week to learn how to count change, starting with today, starting with today's recess. (The children start shifting about and crying) Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's change-counting contest. As you all know, first prize is a carton of chocolate milk. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a gold star. Third prize is time out. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got fake change. School system paid good money for that fake change. Your teacher even cut them out. You can't count the change you're given, you can't count shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going in time out.

Dakota: The change is screwed up.

Baldwin: The change is screwed up. The fuckin' change is screwed up? You're screwed up. I've been counting change for 15 years. You think that just because the fake nickels are a little orange and the quarters are a little small, you can't learn how to count fuckin'...

Randall: What's your name?

Baldwin: Fuck you, that's my name. You know why, asshole? Cause you rode the bus to get here today, I drove an 80,000 dollar BMW. That's my name. (To Dakota) And your name is you're pathetic. You can't play in the big girl's game, you can't count change? Then go home and tell your mom your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Make change with the money which is in the drawer. You hear me you fuckin' faggots.
(Flips the blackboard)

ABC. A, Always, B, Be, C, Counting. Always be counting. Always be counting. Get out there. You got the money coming in, you think they don't want change back? A guy don't walk in your daddy's 711 looking to buy a Fudgsicle with a twenty dollar bill not expecting change. They're sitting out there waiting for you to give them their change. Are you going to give it to them? Are you man enough to make it exact? (To Randall) What's the problem, pal?

Randall: You, boss, you're such a hero, you're so rich, how come you're coming down here and wasting your time with such a bunch of second graders?

Baldwin: You see this watch? You see this watch?

Randall: Yeah.

Baldwin: That watch costs more than your daddy's car. I made 970,000 dollars last year, how much change you think you can make from that? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good son, good brother, fuck you, go home and play capture the flag. You want to make it to third grade, you learn how to count change. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cock-sucker. You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get when a customer comes in the door asking for change for a stick of a gum and a hundred dollar bill. If you don't like it, leave.

Get mad you sons-of-a-bitches. Get mad. You know what it takes to make change? It takes brass balls to make change. Go and do likewise, kiddos. The money's out there, you pick it up, you change it wrong, I got no sympathy for you. You want to go out to the popsicle stand and make change, do it. If not, you're going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you'll be saying. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: "Oh yeah, I used to count change. It's a tough racket."

(To Randall) And to answer your question, pal: Why am I here? I came here because the superintendent asked me to, he asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and send those little dickheads to the remedial class, because a loser is a loser.


Ian said...

McSweeney's were fools to pass on this one.

Trevor Jackson said...

If even one of these kids is going to work in fast food, Baldwin's done a good thing here.

This is fucking priceless.

Jimmy Saffron said...


Please, Saffron. Don't hurt 'em.

Tommy Gnosis said...

"Fuck you, that's my name." This is awesome. Definitely my new favorite blog.