Monday, February 13, 2006


AM: when was the last time you watched rambo?
Farmhand: little rocks of ice are falling from the sky
i guess they call it hail
rambo would cry if he lived in seattle
AM: rambo would wage war on the weather
he wouldn't be a pussy about it
Farmhand: rambo would stab the weather to death
and in the battle he would receive a laceration from a bolt of lightening
and he would sew it up with a thread of bark he made soft by chewing on it
AM: and he'd be all like "you made me fight you, weather! i never did nuthin to you! i just wanted to enjoy the sunshine. it's in my nature!"
which is ironic, right?
like, two forces of nature
Farmhand: and his body would reject the bark because all of nature is against rambo
rambo is at war against the gods
he is the atlas of the modern age
he must hold the world upon his shoulders in punishment
AM: rambo vs. nature. who would win?
it would be ugly, that's for sure
Farmhand: rambo would lose, but he would become a legend in the process. and he would plot his revenge.
rambo would shoot dynamite arrows into the heart of mt. st. helens and blow up nature from the inside.
AM: it's like the dragon's neck
there's only one place he can pierce
Farmhand: but nature would make an earthquake and he would fall down inside the earth
AM: he sets off a chain reaction and all of the earth's plates completely shift
no, see, rambo thought ahead
he shot it from a hot air baloon
Farmhand: well, that's an idea.
he could make the ballon from animal hides
that he killed with his bare hands
AM: and blow it up in the air with his own breath
Farmhand: right.
but nature would probably send an army of eagles to rip it up
AM: well, come on
eagles? need i remind you we're talking about RAMBO
he would just slice em up
it would be like practice for him
Farmhand: rambo is tricky.
he would probably tie a dead rabbit onto the tip of dynamite arrow, then launch it high above the balloon.
the eagles would flock to the sweet meat, and then all explode.
and then they would all fall into the basket and he would eat them all to get their bravery
AM: you know, the more you think about, the more you realize that rambo IS nature
i mean, where does one start and another stop?
Farmhand: that's the tragedy. once rambo and nature lived in harmony.
then rambo went to war to defend the human race
and nature betrayed him
now rambo is all alone, battling for survival and for his honor.
AM: but wasn't it nature who exiled humans in the first place?
or were the humans the ones who betrayed first?
the rambo story alludes to this chicken/egg dilemma that faces all of us
Farmhand: well if those questions were answered once and for all, we wouldn't need rambo out there battling nature
let's just say, if rambo would ever win, things would be very different around here.
nature wouldn't boss around humans anymore, for starters.
AM: rambo represents the grotesque beauty of our souls. of our potential, and of our vulnerability. rambo also represents how awesome it is to shoot a machine gun.
Farmhand: rambo doesn't believe in pain.
rambo doesn't believe in eating vegetables, either.
except rice is okay.
but wild pigs are probably the best food for nourishment when you are battling nature or large armies of humans.
AM: rambo eats what he can find. that includes fear.
Farmhand: yes, it's true. rambo will eat fear if there aren't any wild boars around to stab to death. he will also savor the sweet scent of burnt forests.
this is good stuff, i'm cuttting and pasting this into my novel.
AM: shouldn't this actually just be the novel?
Farmhand: like the best parts of all novels, it will be the vision the protoganist will have on his deathbed.


Ofc. Krupke said...

It is awesome to shoot a machine gun.

Explosive-tipped arrowheads are cool, too, but machine guns are still the best.

Trevor Jackson said...

I hate to be that kind of guy, but I spotted a couple typos in this post.

Mathis said...

IM chatting lends itself to typos. It's more important to get your thought out there, into the ether, than it is to worry whether you've spelled something correctly or are writing in the correct verb tense.

Especially when the topic is as important as Rambo.

Mathis said...

Now I think you were being ironic.

Possibly ironical. Or even sarcastic. Full of sarcasticness.

I just don't know.

Trevor Jackson said...

You're right on all counts:

1) IM typos = OK

2) Rambo typos = preferred

3) Me kidding = yeah

Mathis said...

You're lucky that I'm not just slow and stupid, but also forgiving.

Rambo, on the other hand, would not be so quick to decipher or tolerate your subtle humor.

Trevor Jackson said...

Rambo fires typos at black helicopters when they fly too low and they explode upon impact, disrupting FEMA's secret surveillance of my town's water supply.