Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I'LL TAKE "DOUCHEBAGS" FOR $600, ALEX

In what has become a common occurrence among the many idiots of the blogosphere, this morning we will undoubtedly find at our monitors the fruits of labors so greatly unimportant that not even Muslims will find reason to riot. I'm talking, of course, of live-blogging. Because who, in this slow and simple world we live in, has the extravagant luxury of owning a television, a radio, or a subscription to a newspaper? The answer, unfortunately, is none of us. That's why we come crawling to the Interweb every morning, seeking information and, if the time allows, a bit of entertainment to brighten our day. And this morning, with a collective gasp, we stand before our monitors with mouth agape in the realization that - omigod - the GRAMMYS were on last night!

You are all pathetic wastes of skin. If you are searching for salvation in $500 handbags and another pair of shoes, I hope you find it. Redemption and peace, our ancestors wisely told us, can be discovered within the pages of US Weekly magazine. Sure, half the world may be burning and the other half may be sliding ever quicker into fascism, but thinking about all that just makes you so depressed, and who needs more doom and gloom in their life? Clutch tighter to your breasts your iPods and your designer sunglasses and forget the fact that you hate who you are. Slip slide away into the trivialities of celebrity and song; construct for yourself a cooperative world that plays by your rules - then, when you're bored by it, dismantle it with snark and cynicism. Speak only of the frivolity of the world, without cessation, and then speak of how much the people in that world irk you. And, of course, no matter what you do, don't admit to yourself that you just may have an extra minute somewhere in your day to slow down, take a breath, and contemplate the spoiled, senseless existence you slumber through - because, hey, that text message to your fuck-buddy isn't going to clumsily type itself! You don't deserve the wealth that the blood and toil and pain of generations of forebears and slaves has wrought you. You are not aware of, let alone ashamed of the perverted fact that what you make in a week, sitting at a desk answering phones and typing on a keyboard and listening to music and god knows what else that doesn't involve breaking a sweat, is more than what a 60 year old man in Guyana who works 70 hour weeks schlepping dirt out of a polluted gold mine makes in a year.

And what really hurts - what really twists the knife in your chest - is the fact that he is happier than you are, because he doesn't have an STD and because he doesn't secretly hope to be an editor for some shitty magazine; whatever salvation you hope your little fantansies of fame or wealth will bring you pales in comparison to the sacrifices you will inevitably make in giving up that which formerly passed as your personality. The man in the gold mine says, "This is the day that the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." You say, "Jesus Christ, how long does it take to make an iced mocha? God!"

Of course it's entirely possible that you are now thinking to yourself, "Well, what makes you any better?" Nothing does. That's the whole point right there. I'm in the same boat and I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I'm just going to tell it like it is, speak truth to power, let the chips fall where they may, and other platitudes. There are, however, two things that differentiate me from you - one, I understand what a petty and awful little wretch I am, and two, I don't live-blog shit like the Grammys.

I live-blog shit like Jeopardy.

*********

7:02 PM
We are introduced to the contestants. This week is Teen Jeopardy, which is great because on a given night, I can get probably 80-90% of questions correct. Alex comes out and introduces the contestants, who all appear extremely young. On the far right, we have a mulatto girl named Iddoshe from Louisville, cute enough but boy howdy Jesus, those are some ridiculous braces. Next we have a nice, gay little Catholic boy named Joseph from New Jersey. Finally, in the pole position, a horsey looking farmgirl Camille from Oklahoma, I presume, wearing some pinkish sweater. Didn't hear where she's from.

7:04
We get started, and the kids jump into the World Geography category. These are quite possibly the easiest questions I've ever seen on a Jeopardy show. First there is a map of the North Atlantic, with two countries highlighted. Could they be...Greenland and Iceland? By jove they are! The next answer is, "This country was divided into two halves before the US entered in so and so date in the late sixties." Couldn't be Vietnam, could it? Next is another map question with India highlighted. Another toughie. The last question is the only tough one - Hobart is the capital of what Australian island-state. Gee, how many Australian island-states are there?

7:05
Now the kids decide to move on to the category of "All in the celebrity family." I'm getting really tired of this live-blogging thing. A couple of answers in this category are the Afflecks and the Olsons.

7:05
Some math questions. Joseph is just sitting at his podium looking stupid. He's not answering anything.

7:09
Back from commercial break, the kids tell their "getting to know you" stories. Iddoshe is a bitch. Alex asks her, "So it says here that you went on an African safari. Where exactly did you go?" Her response is, "uh...Africa?" in that "Jesus you are a dumbass," valley-girl kind of way. Then she laughs at her own joke. One word: uppity.

Joseph seems like a nice young man, but he's a fucking tool. I'm doubting the mom-picked-out-this-sweater at Penny's look is reeling in the ladies. I could be wrong, though. Douche.

Camille quickly reveals herself to be the most loathsome. Alex asks her about her extra-curricular activities, to which she replies that she reads for the blind - over the radio. Alex says - and this is why The Trebek is The King - "aren't all radio stations for the blind?" SNAP. Camille I hope you go blind and have to listen to do-gooder 17 year olds read you the newspaper over the radio. I'm also really hoping that the station you work at is not publicly supported. My tax dollars should be used to make nuclear bombs, not make blind people happy.

7:11
Back to the trivia. Another celebrity family question - the Culkins is the answer. Obviously that was going to come up at some point.

Camille is kicking serious ass. I haven't even really been keeping track.

Joseph finally answers something correctly. I didn't hear the question(answer), but the answer(question) is "What is a Dandelion?" I bet mom is so proud! Queer.

Ooh, Camille gets the first Daily Double in Word Origins and wagers $1800 (note: not a true daily double). The answer is "coroner" and she got it right.

7:12
Joseph looks like he's going to cry.

Another question, this time in the Stock Symbols category - clue is that the symbol is SIRI and they use satellites to bring you your tunes! And this is the hardest question in the category. Man, I love Teen Jeopardy. How easy was that?

7:15 - DOUBLE JEOPARD
This live-blogging thing is hard and boring. There are too many questions in Jeopardy. From now I'm just going to mention weird things I notice.

7:16
The answer(question) was "What is the special olympics," and Joseph answered (incorrectly, of course), "What is Buddy Ball?" That is gold.

7:18
The tides have turned. The young mulatto is running away with it.

7:19
Not too fast - Camille is trying to make those blind radio listening people proud. Do you think they're watching, or listening on their radio?

7:20
Joseph is kicking ass in the Revolutionary War category. Shocker! I'm guessing that homeschooling provides a lot of time for the study of the Revolutionary War.

7:20
Camille gets another Daily Double, wagers $3600 (note: not true daily double) and gets it right.

7:20
Joseph gets a Daily Double in the revolutionary war category, wagers $4000 (note: not a true daily double) and gets it right. Good on ya, Joe. Mom is surely beaming.

7:22
Commercial break. I'm worn out. Final jeopardy category is "MILESTONES".

7:24
Made myself another whiskey and squirt. Mmm...whiskey and Jeopardy. I could live in a fucking gulag for the rest of my life so long as I was plied with whiskey and could watch Jeopardy twice a day. Ha! Obviously i'm joking. I'd only need Jeopardy once a day.

7:25
Oprah promo - tomorrow's show is all about OJ! I kind of want to watch it.

7:26 FINAL JEOPARDY
Here's the question(answer): "In 1994, 25 years after this event, one participant said, 'For one crowing moment, we were creatures of the cosmic ocean.'"

This is quite possibly the easiest Final Jeopardy clue of all time. Obviously the event was the opening of the first GAP store.

The real question is whether or not any of these kids will get it wrong.

Joseph got it right, though he said "Apollo 11," which in my opinion means he should get bonus points.

Camille got it right.

Iddoshe got it right and won the game with $26,600, which is a lot. Unfortunately, because she's a minority, she'll probably get a scholarship for college anyway. You know where i'm going with this - ESCALADE TIME!

*****

Ok, this concludes my first foray into live-blogging. This moment is hands-down the lowest point of my life.

4 comments:

Trevor Jackson said...

First off, thanks for making me want to kill myself. Again.

And second off, I like the way you phrase your questions and wish that contestants would, too. "Could it be Greenland, Alex? Could it, you fucking twat?"

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to look at pictures of a fat Britney Spears.

Anonymous said...

I wish answers on Jeopardy would be phrased as: "Is it Greenland?" It totally sounds like a guess, but still fits the parameters.

Danny Fisher said...

Those first four paragraphs were really powerful and quite funny. The American Mastodon - Blogging as Prophetic Ministry.

The second part of the post, the "Jeopary!" live-blog spoof, was really funny, too.

Alex asks her about her extra-curricular activities, to which she replies that she reads for the blind - over the radio. Alex says - and this is why The Trebek is The King - "aren't all radio stations for the blind?" SNAP.

Brilliant.

Camille said...

Hi! I randomly Googled myself many years after this episode aired.

My name is Camille, and I'm your farm girl who reads to the blind.

Other than the fact that I find you pretty loathsome, I can't help but secretly like you because you're an unabashed douchebag who makes fun of nerdy kids on TV.

I will say that I stand by the fact that Alex was kind of rude for asking that thing about blind radio stations. They're actually a really good cause. I would also like to say that they pick what you talk about during your interview. Sadly, I really wanted to talk about the time I was almost arrested in high school for dressing up as Shamu and being suspected of what I can only imagine was some combination of truancy and drug use. But the producers didn't go for it.

Thanks for the memories,
Camille