Wednesday, February 01, 2006

SCANDAL

Recent news coming out of Washington indicates that "[CIA Special Prosecutor Patrick] Fitzgerald admits that he has been told some emails from the President and Vice President's offices have been deleted, though he cautions that 'no pertinent evidence has been destroyed.'"

I, my friends, have acquired those emails, and have reprinted them below. EXCLUSIVE!

From: Scooter Libby
To: Dick Cheney
3:14PM

sup bro. thinking about checking out 'two for the money' tonight. mccaunaghey(sp?) is smokin hot. whatya think?

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
3:31PM

furreals. i was thinking about maybe takin lynne with me. she loves sports movies (weird, right?) plus, pacino, need i say more? nuff said. also, you have any idea what happened to all the mr. pibb? fridge seems to be empty...

From: Scooter Libby
To: Dick Cheney
3:54PM

sorry duder. i was here late last night working on my novel and polished off the batch. maybe we could get an intern to restock. you seen the new honey from g'town? that broad is suh-mokan, am i right.

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
4:12

chick definitely be bangin. i know her dad from way back in wyoming, so it's like kind of off-limits for me but you should def try to tap that. so yur workin on another novel, huh? good luck with that [eye roll] just dont quit yur dayjob!

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
4:19PM

just bustin yur balls, broham. you know i think yur an awesome writer. hey, maybe you and lynne should work on something together sometime. just dont be hittin that shit when i'm not around, dude, know what i'm saying? fuck, did that chick get the pibb yet?

From: Scooter Libby
To: Dick Cheney
4:32PM

ha ha very funny. i'd like to see you try to write a book, dick(head!). it's not that easy. anyway, i wouldn't want to get with lynne, so you don't have to worry about that. she likes sports movies, huh? yeah, that's pretty weird. does she like softball and wife beater shirts, too? does she watch a lot of ellen? LOL, dude, i'm just razzin ya.

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
4:46PM

just because mary's munching on mittens don't mean momma's a muff diver, too. you need to grow up.

From: Scooter Libby
To: Dick Cheney
5:01PM

hey, big chief, it was a joke. anyway, brittany (the intern) just got back with the pibb. but guess what? it was all DIET. what an idiot. i just might have to 'reprimand' her if you know what i'm saying.

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
5:08PM

diet pibb? who drinks that kind of shit. i'd rather piss in a cup and drink it. i did that once, actually. you know what it tastes like? shit. hey, where you gonna see 'two for the money'? amc in georgetown?

From: Scooter Libby
To: Dick Cheney
5:16PM

yeah, probs. wanna catch a bite beforehand? i know a good french place down by the water. it's pretty sweet. the waitresses there are ridonculously hot. ridonculous. anyway, let me know. whatever's clever with me, homeslice.

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
5:23PM

sweet. never been before. i'll have to get lynne first - she's at the gym right now doing yoga or some shit. before you know it she'll be reading my horoscope and, like, you know, reading my palm or something, right! maybe when this vp shit is all over she'll wanna move to beverly hills or sumthin and do yoga all the time. wutevah!

From: Scooter Libby
To: Dick Cheney
5:26PM

dude, way hilarious. yur married to a hippie chick! does she light incense and drink tea and stuff like that? hilarious. i'm gonna tell norquist. he's gonna shit a brick. yoga! anyway, pick you up at 7?

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
5:27PM

you tell norquist you die. i'm serious about that.

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
5:39PM

dude, i'm fucking with you!! jesus, you are wound up today or something. you know i wouldn't call a hit on you. not yet at least.... dum da dum dum dum...

From: Scooter Libby
To: Dick Cheney
5:45PM

oh, really scary, i was shaking in my boots. and i'm the one who needs to grow up? i was just taking a shit, bro, it's not like i thought you were furreal. oh, and norquist wants to know what kind of sushi lynne likes!! LOL!

From: Dick Cheney
To: Scooter Libby
5:53PM

you fucker! i told you not to tell norquist. now he'll tell reed and mehlman - those guys can't keep a secret to save their lives. next thing you know there'll be an article in the jew york times about how lynne doesn't shave her armpits and smokes pot all day! LOL! they'll be all like, 'no wonder their daughter's a total muff diver!' dude, my life is over! you suck! i'll see you at seven.

From: Scooter Libby
To: Dick Cheney
5:58PM

seven it is, asswipe. see ya then.

4 comments:

Danny Fisher said...

This is beautiful.

Mathis said...

You're beautiful, Dan.

Touch me.

Danny Fisher said...

No.

Trevor Jackson said...

Turns out this administration IS just like me and my friends. You know, just how we're always just hanging out, joking around.

That's so . . . terrifying.