REGRETTABLY

American mastodons had coats of fine underwool, overlain by coarser guard hairs ranging from amber to dark brown.

Today the American Mastodon awoke and, after pausing for a few wobbly moments, failed to be able to decipher if he was still drunk from the previous night's ruckus or whether he was suffering from a hangover. Upon glancing in the mirror, the Mastodon realized that the answer to this quandary was not nearly as important as getting the red out and the glass off of his eyes and, if possible, struggling through the morning storm in an effort to find some way to appear respectable enough to go to work. Also, to stop being so goddamned verbose.

The American Mastodon does not regret his earlier transgressions, but does regret that he's such a pansy. He wonders whether this condition has anything to do with his smallish frame, an affliction he has previously mentioned in the pages of these field notes. Scientists believe that perhaps Mastodons feel ill whenever they are consuming anything not of their natural diet of water, grasses, and tubers.

When both mastodon tusks are preserved, scientists find that one is usually shorter, indicating preferential use (the way people are right-or left-handed).