BEEFY

In 1739, an expedition from Montreal under the leadership of Charles Le Moyne, Baron de Longueuil, found bones and teeth on a journey down the Ohio River toward the Mississippi.

The American Mastodon awoke this morning and noticed, alarmingly, that he has lost a significant amount of weight in the past couple of weeks. Though scientists have, in the past, attributed such occurrences to seasonal changes or shifts in local food production, the Mastodon believes that he may just be, well, sort of worried as of late.

This is not something the Mastodon needs. Compared to other young males of his species, the American Mastodon has always been on the thin side of things. As a student at Mega Fauna High he even attempted to consume amino-acid and protein-rich weight-gain shakes on a daily basis in hopes of "beefing up" and, thus, scoring a few extra points with the Lady Mastodons that had caught his eye. This disciplined regimen lasted all of two days, as the Mastodon found he could not stomach the chalky texture and putrid odor of the shakes and even, on one occasion, regurgitating their contents into the nearest sink.

A wise creature, the Mastodon knew he had a better chance at gaining weight by keeping his food down.

Perhaps someday the Mastodon will get his winter coat. Until then, he'll have to continue wooing the ladies with his flexible yet sturdy snout and his piercing, soulful Proboscoid eyes.

Mastodon tusks show annual growth rings produced in part by seasonal variation in growth rate.