FUTURE TENSE

The American Mastodon is an old specimen. Scientists carbon date some of the older Mastodon remains between 30-35 million years. Throughout this great span of time, the Mastodon has been constantly and pleasantly surprised to witness each and every crazy new gadget or invention those silly humans keep coming up with. First it was the wheel, which was some pretty wild stuff. I mean, can you imagine? No, no you can't.

Then there was the Arab strap and after that, the steamshovel and the locomotive. Lately, though, the American Mastodon has marveled over recent improvements in vending machines.

But never, oh Lord never, did he imagine a day in which this was considered progress.