TODAY, UNLIKE YESTERDAY, IS A DAY FOR GLOATING

What's that, Henry? Oh, you caught a big bluegill this weekend? Well, fuck me in the ass. If that ain't the just the best goddamned news I've heard all day. What, me? What did I do all weekend? Nothing much. Fiddled with myself most of Saturday and watched the Bears game on Sunday. Huh? Come again? Now get out of here, you're pulling my leg. You mean you skinned the bastard as well? And fried him up in a skillet? Well shit if you ain't got me all hot and bothered. I bet there must've been enough meat on that bluegill to fill up half a plate. No shit? You couldn't even eat the whole thing in one sitting? Fuckin A', my friend, that is quite an accomplishment. That's goddamned exemplary is what that is. Fuck being a fisher of men, Hank, you're a fisher of fucking fish, you piece of shit. What kind of lure did you use, if you don't mind me asking? A SPOON?? Now get the fuck out of Dodge right now, you mangy cur, before I throw you out myself. That's a fucking artform to bait a bluegill with a spoon. You're goddamned Picasso is what you are. No, no, no, I won't be quiet. We've got a regular Vincent Van Gogh over here, a real Normal Rockwell is what we got. Well paddle my canoe up shit creek and let me off at ass-fuck bend. If you ain't just the cat's meow?

What's that, Henry? Why am I acting like a bastard with a thumb up my ass? Hell, I don't know. I guess catching a 30 pound bass with a beemoth on a hook will do that to you.