Wednesday, September 29, 2004


The American Mastodon had a spell where he drank quite a bit of caffeine. That lasted about 6 years, and then one day he woke up and decided to stop. He's felt much better ever since, and recommends the same to others. When you quit caffeine, you don't need that morning boost, that afternoon boost, or that evening boost. You may need a hug, or a kind word said about your outfit, but one thing you certainly don't need is caffeine to keep you going throughout the day.

Well, the AM is a weak-willed animal, and in spite of his belief that he could have an occasional cup of Good Morning America (hats off to you, Harry Dean), three weeks ago he took a good long look in the mirror and saw that he was addicted again. There is something comforting in the morning ritual of either brewing or purchasing a cup of coffee before settling in at work, getting your desk situated, and trolling the internet for Asian tween porn.

So the Mastodon cut himself off again and ever since has been following a strict regiment: purchasing a daily cup of decaf coffee at the Starbucks located in his building's basement. This does a few things, all beneficial. First, it provides a very small amount of caffeine. This gives you a little boost in the morning and tricks your body into thinking that it's going to be getting some more caff in a short bit. Secondly, there is the comfort of drinking a warm beverage in the morning. A beverage that tastes eerily similar to coffee but, surprisingly, is not. This is where the necessity of purchasing a Starbucks decaf coffee comes into play. Decaf coffee is rank and coats your tongue in a felt of foul-smelling shite, but Starbucks is just good enough to keep down.

But to date, the best reason the AM has found for visiting the local Starbucks has been the frequent and bewitching presence of a woman who is probably 30 years old and, it must be said, is amazingly beautiful. Beautiful in the best ways a woman can be beautiful. Natural, wavy brown hair, dark but not tanned skin, light colored eyes, thin in some places and not thin in other places. The American Mastodon should remind people that this is Los Angeles, where the sight of a "naturally" beautiful woman who is not an actress or model (or with aspirations to be such) is rare beyond compare. But there she is, every morning, ordering her latte con carne with a friend, bewitching the AM, startling the AM, sending the AM's heart into fits.

Today the AM was lucky enough to wait in line next to this beauty. Here he'd like to pause and invoke that oft-repeated Navajo epigram, "To every perfect object God seered with a flaw." Or something. You know what he's saying. Didn't people say that about Kubrick's "The Shining" or something?

Look, people, what the Mastodon is trying to get at is this: the woman had a mustache, ok? She had a fucking mustache.


Anonymous said...

You know, you could always ask for a "half and half." It's a little trick of the coffee trade. You see, you get hald caffeinated coffee and half decaf.

And are you sure that the moustache was real? Was it not just the froth from her meat latte?

Ofc. Krupke said...

Ah, well. She can always wax.

Jimmy Saffron said...

Were I guaranteed posts from the AM like this on a daily basis, I might consider giving up coffee.

Analogcabin said...

Saffron, how about saying something cogent for a change of pace? You miserable prick, why must you ruin the best AM post in recent memory?

Reagan said...

Hmmm...a mustache. Was the AM perhaps attracted to this "natural beauty" b/c she is in fact a man? You could be gay and not know it.

Mathis said...

You're right. I could be gay. But according to my boyfriend, it's highly unlikely!!


Anonymous said...

i suspect you are another false 'natural beauty' fan. there's inconsistency in your argument-you idealize the "natural" woman but are repulsed by her natural mustache. Waxing or boob job, what's the difference? following your argument leading up to the mustache, i would think that you would celebrate the fact that she is in fact 100% natural, a fact proven by her natural, unwaxed facial hair.