FALL JACKET

The American Mastodon has basically given up on the idea of getting his "winter coat". His frame and genetics just won't allow it. But after hearing from friends and family that he is looking "way too thin", a charge that was repeated last night in a worried voice by his own parents, the AM has decided to make it a personal goal to gain some weight. He's shooting for something like a fall jacket.

This morning started off well - he had his normal bowl of oatmeal (maple and brown sugar, Trader Joe's stizz), then supplemented the meal with four strips of bacon and two eggs. That was all well and good, a breakfast fit for a lumberjack or small-parts machinist, but during his daily lunch-time break, the AM had no appetite and could only choke down two bites of a delicious Taco Bell Grilled Stuffed Burrito(tm). What's the deal with that? The AM can turn on any talk radio station and hear of the great and lasting effects of Cortislim, but where does one turn when they are desparately in need of adding the pounds, not losing them?

And in case you were thinking of suggesting it, no, he's not going to go to GNC and buy those protein shake things. And no, him typing "protein shake" isn't some weird reference to a blow job.