Thursday, September 09, 2004

IF WE LOOK WE CAN SEE A SHARED HISTORY OF PRETENDING THAT THERE ARE LARGE ANIMALS IN BODIES OF WATER

Today Sweden has officially announced that the Great Lake Monster, a mythical inhabitant of central Sweden's Storsjon lake, will soon be fair game for hunters and curio seekers. Before the proclamation, the animal was protected by Swedish law from Werner Herzog and other international fake-monster bounty hunters.

The American Mastodon wonders what it is, exactly, that makes the myth of a gargantuan serpent so common throughout the world. There is, of course, Scotland's Loch Ness Monster, Norway's "Selma" and Argentina's "Nahuelito". Though these creatures are well known in their own right, no creature has created a collective stir of imagination and awe as was witnessed during the 1949 incident in Churbusco, Indiana, when a young boy, returning to his home a bit tardy on a beautiful summer evening, witnessed what he claimed was a snapping turtle the size of "a small car", thus explaining his otherwise inexplicable late arrival.

Folks, that is a large turtle.

Eventually, as all know, the turtle was given a name (Oscar), search parties were organized and performed diving missions, an international press corps was assembled, and, in the end, a farmer's small pond was drained. The efforts of hundreds of men and women, as it were, turned out to be for naught. For you see, dear reader, the magic of the elusive water monsters is their unparalleled skill in the art of elusion.

Well, either that, or fucking idiots who would believe a 13-year old kid who was out smoking a pack of his dad's Old Gold's behind the local Lutheran church and, after his mother reams him for showing up home late, tells her he saw, "a real big turtle."

Ah, the birth of legends will always amaze.

4 comments:

somegirl said...

gary kauffman = modern genius?

Mathis said...

It is just simple fact that when you open an article with the line, "Aside from Godzilla, few animals have made an impact on a town the way Oscar did on Churubusco," people are going to take note. There should be no question mark following your comment, gijyun. The man is a literary force.

T.S. Farmhand said...

A few things here:

1) I saw him.

2) The turtle, that is.

3) It was a big son-of-a-gun, about as wide as a picnic table.

4) Anyone who thinks I'm lying is just jealous.

Mathis said...

T.S., I wish you and your lies would find another forum to stink up.