TEETOTALERS' BALL

The American Mastodon knows of at least one person who will find this study not just interesting but empirical evidence of a long-held hypothesis. Whereas the AM sees some truth in the data, he also knows that his mood is affected by various circumstances; relationships with friends, work conditions (or lack thereof), weather, and natural environmental changes. But he also knows there is a reason besides just simple faith that his father and his uncle and his grandfather and a long line of Mastodon men have chosen to abstain completely from alcohol (that includes you, Bartles and James). The Mastodon line, though particularly fond of tubers and shoots, often lacks the ability for moderation and, rather, has a tendency for indulgence in all manner of living.

And yes, ladies, that includes love. Roar!