Last eve the AM did something he hasn't done in a good, long while: veg out on the couch in front of the television set and bask in its warm, comforting glow. Since the Mastodon lives in the infuriating western time zone, he was only able to catch a few snippets of live US Open tennis coverage. Apparently, in the tennis world, "the man" still has it out for "the blacks", and he is doing relatively little to hide the fact.
After his whistle was properly whetted with the site of women in short skirts and visors running around and sweating, the AM went for a quick run, made a delicious meal, took a shower, and settled into his davenport for a viewing event that only the programmers of ABC Family could have possibly devised: a prime-time showing of "Karate Kid", the seminal 80's film that proved to millions of kids that if you could train to be a karate champ with on old, over-acting Japanese man, be bequeathed his amazing classic muscle car, and beat up your flame's previous lover, then surely you could also convince the beautiful Elizabeth Shue that she should be making it with you, a skinny wop from Jersey, instead of getting handed diamond tennis bracelets and pearl necklaces from the 30-year-old golf pros at her country club. Not like anything like that's ever happened to the AM, or anything. (Winnie Rake, watch your back.)
The American Mastodon realizes that that last paragraph contained quite the run-on sentence. He hopes you forgive him. Or he'll Put You in a Bodybag!!