Friday, October 22, 2004


As literally fives of you know, the American Mastodon is a lover of women. A quite masterful one, at that. Now, this news may come as a surprise to those envisioning the AM as nothing more than a loping, ponderous Zyglolophodon, a veritably furry, proboscidally-endowned, tusk-bearing mammal, long ago wiped from the face of this earth. Well, the AM's got news for you. The laws of nature dictate certain things, and one of them happens to be that the Mastodon is adored by women the world over. The question then becomes not, "which among ye lasses shall claim thee Mastodon," but rather, "which of these lasses shall the Mastodon choose for his lot."

The answer, surpisingly, yet recurringly, is "That gooky one over there."

For you see, the American Mastodon was afflicted at an early age and has yet to find cure for that most elusive of illness, the Yellow Fever. This is no surprise to scholars and scientists who have tracked the migration of the mammal - it was not that long ago, geologically speaking, that the Mastodon's ancestors were making their way to this great nation by way of the Bering Strait.

Yet for as much as the AM loves the wily ways of those smallish, hard-working, and soft-skinned China dolls, he also knows and understands the intricacies of their physical beauty - and, though unfortunate - the limits of their bodies. That's why he finds news of this to be nothing less than the world's ultimate, and quite paradoxical, tease de la coq.

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