Wednesday, March 09, 2005


I've totally changed my mind!! Blogging is sweet and I've decided that maybe today I'll just, you know, totally let everything out and just be myself! I don't know why I get crazy mood swings, but I had a couple cups of coffee and I feel super fucking great! Smile, too, dammnit, or watch me come over there and smack a fucking grin on your godforsaken face, you working stiff imbecile with your fancy stapler and your funny ironic coffee mug! Let the good times roll, dickwads! Nothing really matters so long as you're having fun and look good doing it! Hand me that bottle of whiskey, Pierre - it's time to kick these boots off and let the world see the real American Mastodon.

You think I went extinct because some fucking redskins chucked a couple spears at me? Yeah, right, and I piss mercury and shit quicksilver! Well fuck me, those are the same things, aren't they?? No, the real reason I went extinct is because I love to party my ass off and that's just what I did - I partied so much my ass blew out and here I am - one anus short of a satisfying bowel movement but loving every fucking minute of it. Some people view the world as a cup that is half-empty. Some think it's half-full. Well, I say, give me that fucking cup, cause I'm wasted and I gotta piss, like, right now, yeeeeaaaahhh!!!!!

I'm sorry if I got a little sad and sappy in that last post. Sometimes I get down, but you know - life is, like, peaks and valleys, man. What goes up must come down, and sometimes, I'm so fucking high up there, loving life so goddamned much, just eating up this whole great big angel food cake that is our existence, that it's only natural I come down a little bit - reacclimate, if you will. And if during those times when the world's not the rainbow it has the potential to be, and it's my whim to poke myself with sharp objects, turn my phone off, and sleep for twenty hours straight, then that's the price I pay for eating the joy that is life from both ends with a grin on my face and a raging huge boner in my pants!!

Come on everyone, shape up and dance!! This is what it means to be alive.

I'm going to New Orleans this weekend and hope to see a lot of these.


King Koopa said...

I stand by my high fiber recommendation. You may think coffee is going to make everything all better down there, but we both know it's only a quick fix. Maybe don't start w/ Metamucil, maybe try a bowl of All Bran in the A.M. (get it?!), see how that works. It pains me to see my compadre gettin' all bound up inside, while at the same time hitching a ride on the back of the caffeine dragon. Oh, he'll take you for a ride alright...back to his lair of caffeine addiction. We all know the name of the caffeine dragon's lair don't we? It is the name that which we do not speak...but it sorta rhymes with "Yard-Ducks".

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should buy yourself one of these:

King Koopa said...

You just made my day Mr. Anonymous.