PORTRAIT OF THE BLOGGER AS A YOUNG CURMUDGEON

Here are some things I don't care for:

1) People who limp
I don't like being injured, but if and when I am, I try to get better quickly. I certainly don't flaunt the fact that I'm temporarily gimpy. Yet here I look around and I see people almost begging me to notice that they're limping. Mostly, I see them directly in front of me when I'm trying to get somewhere quickly. Get out of the way, you ass. I hate you people that limp. Get over yourselves.

2) Lance Armstrong bracelets
I remember the first time that I saw a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and how much it incensed me. I was in a Bob Evans with my parents, and the waitress pouring our coffee had a hideously bright, yellow plastic piece of crap around her wrist dangling dangerously close to my drink. I asked what it was, knowing that people that have either stupid bracelets or those little ribbons on their lapel live to be noticed and to be asked why they do the douche things they do, and she smugly stated that it was to raise awareness for cancer. The fuck? Like we don't all know about cancer. Like we don't all hate it. You need a bracelet to tell me that you're not a fan of cancer? You think if you're not wearing a bracelet I'm going to assume that you endorse and encourage the spread of cancer? Seriously, I hate all you people that wear Lance Armstrong bracelets. He left his wife and kids to fuck Sheryl Crow. Get over yourselves, you're assheads.

3) Cashing foodstamps in the grocery line
Do you understand why I got in this line? Because it was the shortest. Because all I have is a box of twinkies and a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper. I just want to go home. And now I see why the line is so short. Because you're buying groceries for your family, your brother's family, your daughter's family, and your boyfriend's family. Oh, great, and you're also paying for it all in foodstamps and those weird receipt things. I mean, yeah, I kind of feel bad and all for you, but fuck. Can't you just go to Aldi or something? Seriously, I hate all you people that make me wait in line at the market. Get a job.

4) Science teachers that don't believe in evolution
I can't believe that this is even an issue. Evolution fucking happened! The earth is really, really fucking old! I don't care if you believe in God or not. In fact, I'm down with the G-O-D. I think He's the dope. But guess what? I do care if you teach science and you don't believe in evolution, because you're an idiot and you're teaching kids to be idiots. Look at it this way, cheesedicks: if you don't understand how evolution happened, just think of it as another one of God's mysterious, inexplicable doings that you can't comprehend, like when the will of God "made" that tsunami and it killed hundreds of thousands of people. In the same way, you don't need to understand how we came from mud to know that it makes a lot of sense to really smart people, like me. I hate you people that think the geologic evidence supporting the earth's age of 4 billion years is just information placed here by Satan to confuse your faith. Get over yourself!

5) The War on Terror
I hate terrorism as much as the next guy. I really do! But is it that necessary to go to war with countries that - oops! - don't have the weapons we thought they had, only to reward the penisfaces that harbored bin Laden (and probably still are) and who allow men to rape, burn, and stone to death adulterous women in their villages? I hate you people that don't see how awful and ridiculous and soul-crushing this all is...aw, fuck it, I'm just kidding - of course I think it's cool! I love America! Go us!

Of course, there are many more things that irritate me, but I guess I should work for awhile now. Stay tuned, I may return this afternoon with an extended list.

Love you all!!