Thursday, April 28, 2005


Ms. Audrey Tautou
Attn: Claire Blondel
20 avenue Rapp, 75007
Paris, France

Dear Ms. Tautou:

A few months ago, I sent you a letter in which I asked, perhaps a bit too bluntly, "to be your lover and your friend." I went on to acknowledge a few clearly obvious facts, namely that, "you have beautiful eyes that are large and dark and remind me of a place that I knew as a child - a place that does not exist but in the innocent mind of youth, a place that I'd still like to venture to, with you by my side."

I do not regret those words, but with the current advantage of hindsight, I do question their effectiveness. I realize now that perhaps I revealed my hand too soon, in the parlance of the gaming classes. Nearly six months have passed and you have yet to respond to my earlier plea, which I do not take as a rebuke but view, as I'm sure you appreciate, a challenge.

In my previous letter to you, if you'll remember, I asked you to disregard a few of the more unsightly rumors spoken of me in certain circles. I also listed a few of my more redeeming attributes:

It is not true that my body boils over in hives during the wonderful act of making love. I am not unambitious yet arrogant, nor am I prone to overwhelming and crushing self-doubt. As a matter of fact, I am a dynamic young man. I make a fantastic vodka cream sauce, which I serve fresh with whole-wheat organic pasta. I have a blog. I once took a class in Landscape Architecture.

Oh, Audrey, to be youthful again, full of such innocence and vigor!! Some things have certainly changed in my life, while other matters have stayed relatively the same. For example, my body still does not boil over in hives during the wonderful act of making love (or at the least, I doubt that it would - it has been such a long time since I've last shot fits of ecstasy through the veins of a woman). Also, I still make a pretty delicious vodka sauce, though now my culinary preference is to add some roasted eggplant and a few cherry tomatoes, with of course an ample amount of basil. I must say it is an improvement. In fact, that's one of the most important things you should know about me. I view life as a chance to constantly improve. I'm not one to rest on my laurels, no matter how impressive they may be!!

I still retain my blog. It is amazing. Occassionally, I have been known to make mention of you.

Audrey, I'm trying hard not to make a fool of myself, as I fear you must imagine me after my last letter in which I remarked the following:

Listen to me very carefully, Audrey. I do believe I am in love with you. I realize that there is more to you - much more, I'm sure - than the characters you create and portray in your films. This is the Audrey that I hope to come to know and cherish.

Oh, such courage!! I can see where one might form the impression that I am a man without balance. But Audrey, surely you know that the attributes possessed by the maniac are the same as the romantic, the dreamer, the inventor, the poet, and the lover.

I see that I have gone on long enough without making my most essential point, which is this: if you give me a chance, Audrey, I will woo you. I will - and this is a personal promise I make to you - move you.

Please accept my offer to meet you. Though I do not live in France nor have I ever been there, I do live close to an international airport with destination flights to most of Europe and the continental United States. In other words, I would be delighted to pick you up at your gate should you decide to take on my offer.

Best of luck and continued good wishes in your career and in your life.

Until we meet, I am forever yours...faithfully.

The American Mastodon


Ian said...

When you see her, tell her to eat a sandwich, for Christ's sake.

Danny Fisher said...

You should write more love letters. This series has been a gas.