Tuesday, April 12, 2005


A forty-five year old high school principal, MR. RIFTON, clean-shaven and wearing an obvious wig, is clothed in a school letter jacket with numerous awards pinned to it. Around his neck hangs a couple of GOLD NECKLACES , his t-shirt reads, "LEARNING SUX", and he is wearing a pair of small, round, JOHN LENNON SUNGLASSES. He struts down the hall, dipping his shoulders as he walks, and attempts to high-five a couple of students. Eventually, he arrives at the locker of PEGGY STERN, one of the school's best students and captain of the equestrian team. MR. RIFTON leans against the row of lockers, crosses his legs, and looks around suspiciously.

MR. RIFTON: Heeeey, Peggy. What's shakin?

PEGGY: Mr. Rifton?

MR. RIFTON: Who, that old square? Man, I hate that guy, too. He's so "establishment," y'know?

PEGGY: What is this?

MR. RIFTON: Yo, no need to go spastic, yeah? Just be mellow, it's cool, it's copasetic. I'm Jack. I just moved here.

PEGGY: Right.

MR. RIFTON: Yeah, man, the fuzz were on to me something fierce at the last school, so I had to shake 'em, you know, truck outta there. Now I'm here, you know, it's cool, I like it. But so far it's been pretty hard to find any grass.

PEGGY: Mr. Rifton, why would I sell you marijuana? You're the principal.

MR. RIFTON: Hey, hey, hey! Don't be so heavy, man. You're really cramping me up, just be mellow with me. Check this out, k? As part of my probation with the smokeys, I make this deal where, you see, if I tell them about anyone doing drugs or packing heat or that kind of stuff, you know, it's like I'm solid again. And if anyone around here gives me any info, I pass the bread on to them, dig?

PEGGY: So you want me to nark on my classmates to my principal?

MR. RIFTON: I know it's a head trip, but I got a cool hundo going to anyone who helps me out, and - ah, for fuck's sake, man, I'm not Mr. - uh...uhh... Mr.

PEGGY: Rifton?

MR. RIFTON: Yeah, that guy's like a dinosaur, man. So check it, a hundred boss bills to the first Bobby or Betty who helps me out. Dig?

PEGGY: I've got to go to class.

Looking for some weed, maaaan.

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