Friday, April 08, 2005


My roommate, whom I love very much, albeit in the same, protective, mysterious way that I love my retarded cousin, enjoys occassionally tormenting me by asking me annoying questions, or saying annoying things. In other words, he enjoys provoking me. And it is only right to admit that a man with well-established sensibilities and an unfounded righteousness, such as myself, is easily provoked. One thing he enjoys saying is, "(Insert name of awful celebrity) is so brave." Such as, "Ashley Simpson is so brave," or, "Amber Frey is so brave." Another thing he enjoys saying is, "Hey, you should put that in your movie." For instance, say one of us will be walking around the apartment and accidentally knock something over. He'll then say, "Hey, you should put that in your movie." Annoying, huh? But see, it's satisfying for him, because he's a fucking prick, and he doesn't care about my emotions.

There is one game, however, instigated by his devilish tomfoolery that I don't mind engaging in. We shall call it the "Would you?" game. It started, I believe, long ago, on a cold Monday morning, the two of us preparing for work by exercising our daily ritual - the watching of an early morning episode of "Sportscenter". Linda Cohn was one of the anchors, and as the cameras cut to a close shot of her face, my roommate simply turned to me and asked, "So...would you?" Since that time, the question "Would you?" has come up often between us, and is usually quickly resolved with a "fuck yeah", "fuck no", "why not?", or "if I were drunk". Sometimes, however, the question lingers and no correct answer can be given. Listed below, for your amusement, are some of the greatest "Would you?"s the world has to offer.

(Note: All "Would you?"s are hypotheticals, and thus, hypothetically, the question is, "would you do it with this person at the time the photograph was taken" and not, as one might think, "would you do it with this person as they may look at this present time." Thank you.)

Early-90's, straight-haired Delta Burke. Would you?

Totally hot but totally crazy and probably really annoying after you did it Gillian Barberie. Would you?

Crazy, dirty, and stinky, but a legend and I'm guessing a real firecracker Janis Joplin. Would you?

Depp. Easy answer for the girls, tougher for the guys. Simply put, if he asked you to, would you?

Way too old and tons of plastic surgery Raquel Welch. Still, would you?

Early Connie Chung. Would you?

Mary Cheney. Would you?*

That's all for now. If you can help me answer any of these important questions, or if you have questions of your own, don't hesitate to let me know.

*I keed! I'm a totally keeeding with a you!


Walter Cash said...

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. No
4. Probably. I mean, he's Johnny Depp.
6. No
7. Not with your dick.

Danny Fisher said...

1. No.
2. You bet.
3. Probably.
4. Only if he called me "Captain Jack."
5. In a second.
6. You know it.
7. No.

King Koopa said...

1. Yeah sure, but I’d be a lot more excited about it when drunk.
2. Totally agree with description…but I still would.
3. Hell no. The stink and the presumed all-around-hairiness are impenetrable barriers.
4. Uh, sorry deppster, I don’t get down like that.
5. Hell yes. I don’t know your movies, Ms. Welch, but you gotta nice face. Lets go.
6. Hell yeah I’d put my wang in that chung! [cymbal crash]
7. Man, she better have some hot girlfriends…but…no.

Mathis said...

All of you said "yes" to Gillian Barberie. Clearly a bunch of desparate schmoes. No way a sane man with a sated sexual appetite would take that train wreck anywhere near a bedroom or broomcloset.

Cash: Calling no dice to Connie Chung? Racism is not cool, bro. If Maury Povich can hit it, then you can step to the plate, too.

Fisher: If you can't handle a chunk of the early Delta Burke, then you've got no right calling yourself a man. Good call on the Joplin, though. I think a hearty "probably" is all anyone could muster.

Koopa: You know that if he asked you to, you would. You know you would.

King Koopa said...

So, let me get this straight, in this bizarro world which you inhabit, you are more likely to put it in Depp's pooper than ol' wildcat Barberie's honeypot? Would you really make that choice? I wouldn't either.

What, no props for my Wang Chung joke? It's so bad it's good.

Everybody have fun tonight...

T.S. Farmhand said...

She's not my special lady, she's my fucking lady friend.