Friday, August 26, 2005

SOFT SELL

Hello, can I help you with anything? No? You're just looking? Well, if you need anything I'll just be over here.

Oh my those look stunning on you. Yes, I think they really bring out that sparkle of cyan in your eyes. Yes, cyan. It's sort of a Caribbean Green crossed with a Cornflower Blue. Oh, right, sorry. I'll just be over here if you need anything.

You know I'm trying to be quiet and let you browse but honestly, honey, those are just drop dead gorgeous on you. I mean, let's be honest, you have a sort of narrow face to begin with, and these frames really enhance your cheekbones, pulls them out a little, brings out the natural shape of your facial structure, really adds something, I think, and the way the top of the frame just sort of drapes over your eyebrows, it's like a Holbein - Jeremy, did Holbein ever paint subjects wearing eyeglasses? No? - well you know what I mean, very classical, very masculine, timeless. Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My apologies, you just go right back to picking out some frames. I promise you I'm done sticking my nose in your business. Just holler when you're ready.

Jeremy, come over here. Right now. I have to show you something. Remember when we got those Jai Kudo frames in the other day and you said, "Oh my these frames are beautiful but will they ever be as beautiful on someone's face?" and I said, "maybe one person, maybe one lucky person has the perfect face and only their face could possibly match the beauty of these frames and possibly even enhance that beauty?" Do you remember that? Well, come over here because that one person in the whole world just tried on those frames and isn't it like a page out of Italian Vogue or something? I mean, it's like a Dolce and Gabbana wet dream, it's like the Final Solution, I mean I know that's kind of offensive and this customer here might even be Jewish but the point is - I mean, the point is if there were to be a master race, then that would mean that quality, human quality could be quantifiable, right? Or to be more succint, that there could be a perfect fucking human being, and that this person would be him, specifically in these frames, and that that was what Hitler was talking about, and obviously I'm not advocating the eradication of lesser races, like Hitler, but rather the exultation of perfection, the worship of ideal beauty. I would get down on my knees and bow to it if I could but I don't want to make the customer - I'm sorry, what's your name? Mark? - I'd rather not make Mark uncomfortable. And of course, Mark, anything you need, I'll just be right over here. Yep, right behind the counter.

Ok, I'm sorry, I really hate to do this but Mark? Yes, Mark? I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store. Um, do I really have to tell you why? Do you see these other people around you, these other people trying on frames? Well how do you think it makes them feel when you put those frames on you're wearing right now? Oh, really, you don't have any idea. How about "completely inferior"? How about, "hideously ugly"? I'm trying to help people here, Mark. I'm trying to make them look as good as they can and you traipse in here and put those frames on? Those frames which just happen to be our most expensive design and for good reason I mean, by God, they're like a Lamborghini on your face. Not literally, of course, I just mean that those frames, on your face, they go beyond just inanimate ornamentation. It's like they're an operable machine, a high-performance factory of style and taste. Those frames, on your face, well it's not even hardly your face at all anymore, is it? Those frames are just so transformative it's like - ok, so when I'm looking at your face it's like looking into the future - a good future, yeah, I like what I see, I see little reflective pools and harmony and goodness. Jeremy, have you ever wondered what it would be like to be alive during Jesus's time and to have seen him in person? You haven't? You heathen!! Well I have, I mean just imagine, all that peace and tranquility and the fact that this man is the son of God. What would that feel like? To look into His face, a face that holds so much wisdom and beauty? Well guess what Jeremy? I don't have to imagine that any more. I know what that's like. I'm looking into a face like that right now. And let me tell you, Jeremy, it feels gooood. God, does it feel good.

Mark, I take back what I said earlier. About you leaving. That was just a joke anyway, I like to play around a little. I can get carried away. But to be honest with you, I was dead serious about the Hitler thing and the Jesus thing and that is definitely the last thing I'll say but if you'd like me to ring those up just let me know and we can also get you non-reflective, tinted, scratch resistant, holographic, x-ray vision lenses at a very minimal charge to put in those when and if you're ready. You're the best, Mark. Thanks so much for stopping in. It really was my treat. Here's my card. Love you.

3 comments:

Jimmy Saffron said...

Guffaws.

Danny Fisher said...

Those frames which just happen to be our most expensive design and for good reason I mean, by God, they're like a Lamborghini on your face. Not literally, of course, I just mean that those frames, on your face, they go beyond just inanimate ornamentation.

Brilliant. As well as the Hitler thing and the Jesus thing.

Kev said...

I have to say i loved it,,

I can see through your eye now.

i will leave my card,, visit me


kevcanada