CAVEAT

Even when I find a news story that I find to be humorous, I don't really laugh out loud. Maybe I'll smile, or shake my head, or send a hyperlink to a friend, or blog about it. Like right now!

But this story had me in stitches. Maybe it's just because I'm having a weird day, or am high on caffeine; I don't know. All I do know is that Pat Robertson is quickly becoming America's most loveable hateful idiot, surpassing even the self-made king of self-righteous judgment, Jerry Falwell. I tell ya: if I were a parent of high school senior right now, I'd do my best to stop him or her from trying to attend that bastion of liberal permissiveness, Bob Jones University, and try to persuade them to just get a degree by watching the 700 Club. It's the only way to be sure that your child will continue to grow in Christ's image.

The best part of the article is this bit:

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city," Robertson said on his daily television show broadcast from Virginia, "The 700 Club."

"And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there," he said.

How many qualifiers can this guy put on a blanket statement of certain retribution? Seems to me like Pat's hedging his bets a bit, though if you got him alone in a room he'd drop the caveats and let you know just how fucked Dover is going to be. Anyway, here's my shot at condemning a group of people, while also providing every opportunity to cover my ass if my predictions don't come true:

I'd like to say to the gays of the world: if there is a disaster where you live, don't turn to God, you've rejected him by sticking your penises in holes not made for their passage. Now, I'm not saying that there will be a disaster, but I bet there will be one, somewhere, and since there will no doubt be gay people living there, maybe even gay people who believe in evolution, which is something the Bible says not to believe in, and which Jesus reiterated, then don't go crying to God. Don't be surprised if you ask for His help and He doesn't help you. And don't think for a second that the reason God's not helping is because He doesn't exist, or that if He did exist, He wouldn't really care about the trivial affairs of what we're doing down here - no, God exists, He certainly does, and He gets mad and happy just like you and me. Believe me, friends, when I tell you that sticking your penises in all the wrong holes doesn't exactly make Him happy and also looking at the fossil record and using science to determine the ways in which different plant and animal species came to exist are maybe - if you'd stop to think about it - behaviors that the good Lord does not approve of. Now, there may not be a disaster but there also may be a disaster, and that disaster may or may not be the result of God's wrath, and whether or not you get help may or may not be the result of God's benevolence, but one thing is without a doubt, for sure, certain. And that is the fact that God will create a disaster that will punish you, at some point, for something that you've done, unless He chooses not to.