Thursday, December 15, 2005


Recently, Iran's president and powerless mouthpiece of drivel, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, spoke out against the great myth of the Holocaust. In his own words, and in front of thousands of people in the Iranian city of Zahedan, he said, They have invented a myth that Jews were massacred and place this above God, religions and the prophets.

Now, you go right on ahead and judge him. Do it. I know you want to. Judge him - condemn him. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to sit, and I'm going to think, and before I judge him, I'm going to listen to what he has to say. I'll save my verdict until I've read the entire speech, and I suggest you do the same; put those arrows back in your quiver and your broadsword back in its broadsword-holder, and just be quiet and listen to the rest of what the man had to say:


They have invented a myth that Jews were massacred and place this above God, religions and the prophets. They have even, in their sin and their abject spirit, placed this myth above unicorns. Unicorns which were bestowed upon us by the great Allah, praise be to He.

They say that if we do not believe the myth, we are bigots, we are full of hate. Do they not hate more, by refusing to believe in the beauty of the unicorn? The dragon? We have asked, "If it is true that you killed the ugly Jews like you said, why do you not find a home for them?" We have suggested Alaska, and outer space. This is what we say: we will trade you the vile Jews for beautiful unicorns. Unicorns and fairies in Palestine, the Jews in Greenland. This is fair.

The Western countries will have you believe that Amelia Earhart flew over the ocean and crash-landed in the middle of the deep blue sea. We know the truth, that she was a spy for the great Satan and was sent here to kill the last remaining unicorns of Iran. Now we have none left. The unicorns here are gone. Some say that there are still unicorns living in the mystical land of Blaine-Kory, north of Nairi-Rune. We will find them, and bring them to our great land, where they will forage again amongst rocks and sand.

You will have heard, my dear ones, that at one time our great country held hostage hundreds of innocent Americans. The great Satan is a tricky spirit, and has poisoned your memory. Do you not remember! Have your heads gone to rot! The great Satan sent his soldiers here to slay our last remaining dragon, a great creature, the wondrous Ryo-Stoorworm, who once protected the golden coins and sparkly jewels of our king's most precious chamber! We expelled the interlopers but not before they sent an iron arrow through Ryo's neck, which caused him great harm and, though his life was prolonged by our great country's most accomplished doctors and wizards, he fell ill with infection and not even the blood of palmnas, llewellyns, or griffins would cure him. He lives with us now only in spirit, praise be to Allah.

The right arm of the great Satan, President Little Bush of America, and the left arm of Satan, Minister Blair of Britain, claim that we are a dangerous nation. They say that we are in the process of creating nuclear weapons. When they ask us, "Why do you need nuclear power? You have vast reserves of oil," do you know what I say? I say, "We do not need nuclear power. We need the horn of one unicorn. With the ground powder of one unicorn, we will rule the world. We will heal the sick. We will feed the hungry. We will sprinkle it upon our arms and fly like phoenixes. We will fleck a speck - one speck is all that is needed - into your waters and we will cast a spell and the water will make your insides bleed and cause your bodies to fester and rot."

For it is written in the Quran that all power is held in the horn of a unicorn, if one be so lucky to find and slaughter just one beast, so it was proclaimed, so it must be, praise to be Allah.

I have but one final comment to make to the great Satan before I go, and that is this:

To the Goddess, I do pray: Grant me power, strength to flay. This one's curse with these words, I hold thee at bay. OUT! OUT! AVERT! AVERT! EVIL OUT IS -- ALHIZ! ALHIZ!


So you see, people. The man is clearly not as crazy as I'm sure you've taken him to be. Praise be to Allah.


simonmaxhill said...

I recommend that you re-read your post as I have read it: with the NES Legend of Zelda theme replaying in your headphones. I think it is the proper cultural perspective in which to read the speech.

Trevor Jackson said...

Claire Huxtable's husband is president of Iran?

(I'm sorry that I keep plucking the low fruit, but it was just hanging there looking so sweet. And you know what? It never is as sweet as it looks.)

Mathis said...

It took me awhile to get your joke, Trevor, because Claire Huxtable's husband is Heathcliff Huxtable. Now, Phylicia Rashad, who plays Claire Huxtable, is married to Ahmad Rashad, who I believe is the man you were referring to, if I'm not mistaken, in your joke, which I am just now getting, and even then, not really fully, as perhaps you did mean Bill Cosby? In which case I'm still thinking? About what the joke is?

Trevor Jackson said...

Goddammit. Yeah, I meant Pheli- Felish- Phylemon--how the fuck do you spell--

Lady Rashad. Yeah, Ahmadinejad sounds like Ahmad Rashad.

Woo-hoo, haha. Great fucking joke. I should have said "I liked the president of Iran better when he was hanging out with O.J."


Rob said...

Lady Rashad. I enjoyed that so much, I forgot what i was going to say. Thanks, jerk.