Thursday, December 22, 2005

I IMPLORE YOU, KOBE BRYANT, TO STOP BEING AN ASSHEAD

What can I say? I don't think I've ever hated an athlete more than I hate Kobe Bryant.

It's not like I'm a man who hates very many athletes. Sure, there are the superstars on the rival team who seem to beat your team every year, like Tom Brady, but it's very hard to actually hate those athletes. In the case of Brady, I loathe him, yes, but I also respect him. If I were to see him at the mall, for instance, I'd be more inclined to point at him, wag my finger, grin, shake my head, and say, "You rascal, you. You rascal!"

In the case of Kobe Bryant, whom I hate, I'd be more likely to scream, "OMIGOD! Grab your wives! He'll rape them all, the man will RAPE ALL OF YOUR WOMEN!" while running away.

I don't really have one particular reason for why I hate Kobe. Here's an idea, though:

I love women. Not just "love em" love em, but really love them. They are all my Christian sisters. When a man rapes one of them, he has broken a bond with them, with God, and with me.

Here's another idea:

I hate his stupid face. Have you ever noticed that Kobe Bryant looks like Kobe Bryant? He's got a real Kobe Bryantish sort of face, which I just hate, because I hate Kobe Bryant. Sends shivers up my spine.

And finally, here's something particular I hate about Kobe Bryant that, I believe, neatly sums up what I hate Kobe Bryant in general:



Don't hit yourself in your chest with a fist. I swear to God. I will hunt you down and kill you.

You are not Jeffrey Wright in Shaft. Though, of course, I most certainly wish you were. That way, you would have had a knife in your hand and would be dead by now.

I hate you, Kobe Bryant. I hate your Kobe Bryant face. Stay away from my asshole, and from women that are not your wife. Don't hit yourself in the chest with your fist. This isn't 1999. You're not Michael Jordan. You're an asshead. You do not deserve anything you've ever acheived in life. You should shrivel and shrink like a toad and moan in misery the rest of your life.

And wipe that stupid-looking Kobe-look off your stupid Kobe-face.

7 comments:

Ian said...

Replace "Kobe Bryant" with "David Schwimmer" and you've got my thoughts exactly.

Mathis said...

Does David Schwimmer rape women and beat his chest like an idiot?

belfi said...

I heard that the American Mastodon once "raped" Kobe on the court by beating him in back to back games of around the world and h-o-r-s-e and that Kobe thinks of this incident whenever penetrating a female.

Mathis said...

Belfi: for you to know such personal information implies that you were once also at the receiving end of one of Kobe's slamma-jamma, rim-shaking, basket-busting dunks. Details?

cna said...

The mamba can strike with 99 percent accuracy at maximum speed, in rapid succession.

belfi said...

Yes, it is quite embarrassing, but unfortunately true. I've never spoken of this before, but my friend Kurt Hughes once defeated me 57 to 12 in NBA Jam using Kobe Bryant to rain down 3 point j's on my ass. At one point he also knocked me to the ground while performing a 360 double pump tomahawk jam while on fire. Oh Mastodon, it was most humiliating! I truly understand you're contempt for Kobe's hot dogging, chest pounding, anal intruding theatrics.

P.N. Gwen said...

Other reasons to hate Kobe Bryant:

1. He shoots too fucking much.

2. He misses too fucking much.

3. He licks his lips in pre and post game interviews too fucking much. By some chapstick.