MERRY CHRISTMAS

This Christmas season, let's not lose sight of the real "reason for the season". I'm speaking, of course, of the celebration of the Winter Solstice by pagan Egyptians.

The first recorded Christmas on December 25th took place in the 4th century, a date coinciding with the birthdate of Mithras, the Persian sun god.

Let's, too, not forget the campaign waged by most Protestants, including the Puritans and Pilgrims, who thought celebrating Christmas was akin to devil worship.

An 1855 New York Times report on Christmas services in the city noted that Baptist and Methodist churches were closed because they "do not accept the day as a holy one."

All in all, I really like Jesus. I think he was a righteous dude. A swell fella. Why? Well, for one reason, He came to earth to die for my sins which, in my book, constitutes a pretty solid favor. Hard to repay that one, though. He also lived like a real gangsta: preaching and rhyming and hanging with ho's and giving mad shout-outs to His Big Poppa and rocking the gold and mirrh and all that bling. Say "Jesus" one time. Now all the people say stomp. GP are you with me?

I said: GP are you with me?

So, on this Christmas Eve eve, remember that Jesus was born, somewhere, at some time, probably in the summer (for all anyone can tell), probably not in December, and remember that when you complain about a War on Christmas you're a fool, and remember that when you correct someone who says "Merry Christmas" you're just a douche, and most of all, remember that we all die and no one really, actually, certifiably knows what happens at that point, so just enjoy yourselves and your family and don't forget that Saint Nicholas was actually saving Turkish girls from being sold into sexual slavery all those many years ago by heaving a bag of gold coins into their father's house, for whatever that's worth.

Which, really, is worth a lot more than your fancy Deisel jeans or your nifty little iPod Nano or whatever else you think is cool but really means absolute shit when you consider that little children are still getting raped by militias in the plains of Africa.

Happy Holidays!!