Monday, February 27, 2006

DEAR DOUCHEBAG

You've got a lot of growing up to do. And, for what it's worth, I agree with your father, who, in his wisdom, claimed that there will be "a dark and difficult future, if there is a future at all." He also correctly proclaimed that, "there will be a pandemic that kills millions; a devastating energy crisis; a horrible, worldwide depression; and a nuclear explosion set off in anger." Unfortunately for you, you are too young and full of your own esteem to believe him. The words of the prophets, though often written on the subway walls, and tenement halls, are rarely heeded in their own age.

Thankfully for me, I realize the prescience in his concerns; after the bomb(s?) go off, China has successfully claimed the oil fields of Russia and Pakistan, gas climbs above $6/gallon, houses in the suburbs sit abandoned, unemployment rises past 30%, and wolves prowl city streets, you'll be sitting dumbfounded with your thumb in your mouth, staring at the static on the television screen, hoping and silently waiting for some great miracle to arrive - through your pollyanic vision of a country bound together, we patriots rise above our differences and help each other through a series of great crises for which we are grossly ill-equipped. Through my more realistically-based perception of the world as it is today and soon will be, I loot your goddamn house, stab your elderly but wise father and steal the precious jewels he desperately clutches, siphon the gas from your family's SUVs, and steal your sister to be the mother of my clan as we start a new life in the hills of Idaho.


The imbecilic hopefulness of the Josh Rittenbergs of the world, though charming, is not a trait that will likely survive the coming global population contraction. This I believe.

5 comments:

King Koopa said...

Attractive Female: Do you see a future for the two of us, Sweetie?

AM: Yes, albeit a gloomy and apocalyptic one. But, at least we'll have our everlasting love for each other as well as our stash of toilet paper that will be worth its weight in gold. Don't even think about having kids, though. Not unless you've got a huge stash of bottled watters somewhere that I don't know about.

Mathis said...

Love is a foolish endeavor, appropriate for fools living in foolish times, but it will have no place in the world 20 years after peak oil.

Trevor Jackson said...

I had to check the address bar. I thought the Spoonbender had changed the color of his background.

Don't go to Idaho. You want access to multiple waterways. Anyone hoping to survive with Josh's sister knows to go to Michigan. Rivers and lakes, man. Elementary.

Mathis said...

The fallout from the ashes of Detroit, Cleveland, Buffalo and Toronto will pollute much of the Great Lakes.

Mathis said...

Oh, and Chicago, obvs. They'll probably drop two on it for good measure.

Idaho will provide enough water for my small clan. Besides, you just showed your hand. While everyone within a thousand miles makes their way to Michigan, I'll saunter into Idaho unharmed and unimpeded.