DEAR DOUCHEBAG

You've got a lot of growing up to do. And, for what it's worth, I agree with your father, who, in his wisdom, claimed that there will be "a dark and difficult future, if there is a future at all." He also correctly proclaimed that, "there will be a pandemic that kills millions; a devastating energy crisis; a horrible, worldwide depression; and a nuclear explosion set off in anger." Unfortunately for you, you are too young and full of your own esteem to believe him. The words of the prophets, though often written on the subway walls, and tenement halls, are rarely heeded in their own age.

Thankfully for me, I realize the prescience in his concerns; after the bomb(s?) go off, China has successfully claimed the oil fields of Russia and Pakistan, gas climbs above $6/gallon, houses in the suburbs sit abandoned, unemployment rises past 30%, and wolves prowl city streets, you'll be sitting dumbfounded with your thumb in your mouth, staring at the static on the television screen, hoping and silently waiting for some great miracle to arrive - through your pollyanic vision of a country bound together, we patriots rise above our differences and help each other through a series of great crises for which we are grossly ill-equipped. Through my more realistically-based perception of the world as it is today and soon will be, I loot your goddamn house, stab your elderly but wise father and steal the precious jewels he desperately clutches, siphon the gas from your family's SUVs, and steal your sister to be the mother of my clan as we start a new life in the hills of Idaho.


The imbecilic hopefulness of the Josh Rittenbergs of the world, though charming, is not a trait that will likely survive the coming global population contraction. This I believe.