Friday, March 24, 2006

SMALL TOWN GOSSIP

Imelda, dear, how ARE YOU? You sure do look fancy with that fancy hat sitting atop your head. I think it's BEAUTIFUL. I really do. Oh my, dear, did you hear THE NEWS this morning? Well it just so seems to be that that preacher down in Tennessee was SHOT IN THE BACK by his OWN WIFE. Now don't that just make you want to CRY? I swear on my heart I thought of you when I heard that, what with your brother being a preacher down in MONROE COUNTY and all. I thought to myself, "I hope JACK PARSON doesn't get SHOT IN THE BACK by some banshee wife," is what I said, because I know that he's a GOOD MAN. I met him once at a church social back in the 1950's, cross my heart I did. But tell me, what is it with PREACHERS' WIVES? It's like they're either robots or they're STARK-RAVING MAD, have you noticed that? Oh, I'm not saying anything about JACK'S WIFE specifically, dear, I'm just speaking in generalities. It really does seem to me that when a woman's got nothing better to do than sit around a house with a bunch of kids and make MEAL AFTER MEAL for old invalids at the church, SCREWS START LOOSENING faster than a squirrel skittering up an OAK TREE. I've thought that many times about REVEREND BICKINHAM'S WIFE, and even though I've never been in the parsonage myself I can just betcha it's filled with those little PRECIOUS MOMENTS dolls and some sort of old worn-out piano and all the carpets are shaggy and SMELL LIKE URINE. Oh, Imelda, really now, I'm not saying anything bad about her or anything, it's just that I worry about her, and of course I worry about the people she plans on SHOOTING IN THE BACK WITH A SHOTGUN because that's how that one's gonna end up, too, you can gosh darn MARK MY WORDS. People think that just because somebody get a little RELIGION they're a good person but half the time it just gives the crazy people a reason to TALK TO THE STRANGERS IN THEIR BRAIN and if they weren't spouting off about how JESUS TOLD THEM to butter their bread on both sides, we'd have locked them all away on the FUNNY FARM a long time ago. Now, Imelda, I'm not saying that EVERYBODY is like that or anything but I am saying that it doesn't surprise me ONE LICK that that poor little girl finally SNAPPED and offed her man like that. Everybody talking about how nice and charismatic he was. Can you imagine being married to that kind of man? Always making the LADIES BLUSH IN CHURCH and getting the kids to SING A HYMN before going to bed and praying about every gosh darn thing when all you want to do is watch a few minutes of WHEEL OF FORTUNE or some other sort of nonsense to get your brain off of what a SAD, SORRY LITTLE LIFE YOU LIVE. And the whole time you've got MISTER PERFECT sleeping next to you in the bed, loafing about and making half of a teacher's salary to TELL STORIES TO OLD PEOPLE once a week. It'd be enough to make me go cuckoo, I tell you that right now, Imelda, and I don't blame that girl ONE BIT for saying enough's enough - I'm just glad she didn't DROWN THOSE GIRLS OF HERS because that would have been a real tragedy. And goodness, Imelda, there's enough tragedy right here in MASON COUNTY, isn't that right. Why, just the other day they wouldn't accept my coupons in at the BURGER KING because they said they expiration date had passed. Since when do they make all the rules? Oh well, I don't want to get going about that LOUSY BURGER SHOP now, do I? Heavens no, I don't. Imelda, it was nice to see you again, as always, and BE SURE to say hello to your brother down in MONROE COUNTY and tell him to WATCH HIS BACK. Oh, you know I'm kidding, Imelda, but be well and I'll be PRAYING ABOUT YOUR HIP, dear. Okay, bye now, Jesus loves you, honey.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're odd.

Mathis said...

No, YOU'RE odd.

Trevor Jackson said...

Since when DO they make all the rules?

A fine question, indeed.

Anonymous said...

Does this resemble your hometown? Did you come from a religious background? Just trying to pinpoint the inspiration.

Mathis said...

Being, as I am, a student of the human condition, it makes little difference where I came from - whether it were the cornfields or Nebraska or the projects of Cabrini Green. I am all people; all defeats and all victories, all the world's sadness and all the world's joy, made manifest in one man.

I hope that answers your question.

Ian said...

I came from the cornfields of Cabrini Green, myself.