TRYING TO WASTE SOME TIME

Here are my thoughts on the upcoming NCAA basketball games:

LSU vs. DUKE
This is a no-brainer in the "who should I root for" category. Always root against Duke. Rooting against Duke is like rooting against Communists, or Republicans. They represent all that is evil and boring and successful in this world. They are the man in the mirror, and I'm asking him to cha-ange his ways. Cha-ange his ways by getting beat on the basketball court, preferably embarrasingly so. LSU has that fat guy that they call "Big Baby." Can you imagine? I sure can. LSU over Duke, 95 to 32.

WEST VIRGINIA vs. TEXAS
Kevin Pittsnoggle, West Virginia's lead scorer, is the Bryan Cook of this year's senior class. They are both 6'11" guys who think they're 6'2" and shoot threes as if they weren't aware that you're allowed to shoot any closer. But whereas Bryan Cook is black, Kevin Pittsnoggle is hands-down the whitest white-trashed hillbilly player I've ever seen play college basketball. He gets away with this by being really good, in which case people tend to leave him be. Call it the Sprewell Syndrome. Ok, now I'm a little ahead of myself. Let's go back a bit. I should explain. Most white players fit one of two very general molds: the wigger (self-explanatory) and the coach's son. There are, of course, exceptions (Steve Nash, Adam Morrison, and Larry Bird sort of break the mold). Most white-trash hillbillies fit the coach's son archetype. That is: they have short hair, they listen to Toby Keith to pump themselves up, and they are great fucking passers/dribblers. Pittsnoggle, on the other hand, looks like he just rolled out of bed, got yet another tattoo of a 12-point white-tail on his shoulder, stopped by the greasy spoon down by the mechanic's shop where his two brothers and four uncles work, smoked a quick jay, hopped in his IH and rolled into the gym about five minutes before gametime. Doesn't hurt the aura that he already has a BABY with his WIFE with whom he lives in his TRAILER in fucking WEST VIRGINIA. On the strength of his almost unbelievably unprecedented come-to-life caricature of all that is wrong with America, I must give the Mountaineers a big edge here. WV over Texas, 108-47.

BRADLEY vs. MEMPHIS
I don't really know anything about either of these teams, though isn't Bradley a Christian school? I sure hope so. If they are, then surely God wants them to win more than the other teams. I do know that Memphis has that player on the team who last year missed two potentially game-winning free throws at the end of Memphis' last game. I hope he gets a chance to redeem himself this year. Then, just to show him that life isn't fair, I hope that Bradley heaves a full court shot with .4 seconds left and snatches the victory from the jaws of defeat and so on. Bradley wins, 13-11.

GONZAGA vs. UCLA
This is tough for me, because I hate Adam Morrison and I hate UCLA. But, if I'm being honest with myself, I hate Adam Morrison a lot less than I hate UCLA. The reason why I don't like Morrison that much is because he's an arrogant asshole. However, it's true that when you're the best player in the country, you have sort of won the right to be an asshole. I also like that he brings a little spice to the game. More than once this year I've watched extended portions of Gonzaga games because I wanted to catch Morrison play. I don't know, though, if it's because I want to watch him outperform the other players on the court or if, as in Nascar when waiting for an accident, I'm really watching because I know it's only a matter of time before he starts punching someone in the face, over and over again, screaming at the top of his lungs until a vessel in his temple explodes. It is my wish that this happens this evening, and that the young man on the receiving end of his blows is Jordan Farmar. Gonzaga over UCLA, 67-67.

And now you know . . . THE REST OF THE STORY!