Wednesday, June 30, 2004


Have you wondered whether the American Mastodon prefers to secure his "junk" through the use of boxers, briefs, or the ever-lovely boxer-briefs? Sure you have.

The American Mastodon, a large animal with appropriately large appendages, enjoys the feeling of security he gets from wearing the proverbial tighty-whities. "The Whites", as Walter would say. However, the Mastodon understands that in the presence of ladies, or friends unfortunate enough to be present during those moments when, in a whim, the Mastodon decides he'd be more comfortable if he just dropped trow, the sight of a Mastodon in his whites can be an odd, if not altogether uncomfortable sight. Therefore, for the pleasure of others, the American Mastodon prefers wearing the boxer-briefs. They combine the security of briefs with the visual and aesthetic appeal of the shorts worn by Olympic track participants. Indeed, when the Mastodon wears his boxer-briefs, he does feel a bit lighter on his feet.

Never, however, under any circumstances, will the Mastodon wear your run-of-the mill, plain-jane, throw-me-another Coors, straight-up boxer shorts. The Mastodon's man-piece gets stuck in all variety of holes and pockets, and half his day is spent with his snout in his pants rooting out his mischievous member. This is not a pleasant sight for the Mastodon's coworkers, nor is it all that particularly fun for the Mastodon, as he is required to spend hours of his day hunched over at his desk, acting like he dropped his pen again, all in an effort to hide the errant paths his Mastadong is taking.

For these reasons, and many others, the American Mastodon officially endorses boxer-briefs as his preferred lower-body under-garment. Also, he likes it when girls where guys' tighty-whites.

He's just saying.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Dear God. Just say boxer briefs and be on with it.