Wednesday, June 30, 2004


MASTODON are an explosive, unbridled force. Possessing an uncanny song-writing sense, fearless innovation, unparalleled technical ability and a bottomless pool of raw talent and creativity, MASTODON are inarguably one of the most exciting new bands to form in the last 10 years.

The American Mastodon, while standing in line this morning waiting for his grilled turkey, egg, and cheese bagel sandwich, was lucky enough to catch a few glimpses of Debra Beasley Lafave on CNN's famed Headline News program. Now there, the American Mastodon thought to himself, is a hot little number. Little did he know that the looker in the pink top was recently apprehended on charges of "lewd and lascivious battery and exhibition".

Immediately upon seeing the lovely Ms. Lafave being escorted away, handcuffed, by our nation's fine police officers, the American Mastodon lamented the passing of one of America's greatest institutions - that of the mentor/mentee relationship. How else could one explain why the supple, beautiful love between this smoking 23-year old foxx and her 14-year old student could be viewed as anything other than life-affirming? Simply put, the labeling of this act as "criminal" is just another example of the loosening of the moral fabric in our country. If Ms. Lafave has committed any crime, it's the crime of loving somebody too much / and it's then when you know it's their heart you can't touch.

In the spring of 2001, MASTODON once again blazed through the Eastern U.S. with EYEHATEGOD, KEELHAUL and BURNT BY THE SUN. MASTODON blew the doors off every venue along the tour, leaving a whole new contingent of music fans awestruck and hungry for more.


King Koopa said...

Mastadons should go back where they came from, especially nancy-boy mastadons like this one here.

Mathis said...

Without getting too teary-eyed or philosophical, the American Mastodon wishes he could go back to where he's from...back to that special place - that magical Land Before Time.

King Koopa said...

Your adoring public would like to know if the American Mastadon has plans for the holiday weekend besides shooting bottle rockets out of his hairyass and drinking warm PBR.