Friday, June 18, 2004


Mastodons became extinct approximately 10,000 years ago. Today, paleontologists are trying to figure out why.

The American Mastodon would be lying if he said he hasn't been enjoying himself lately. "Life's a pretty sweet fruit," he has said. This is something the Mastodon would know, as his diet consists largely of grasses and other easily digestible vegetation, not excluding some of the smaller fruits.

Today the American Mastodon listened to some old albums and lamented the passing of the great music that came out of the early nineties. In particular, albums like The Breeders' Pod and Luna's first couple of albums. Then the Mastodon wondered whether or not the music "scene" of today was better than then. He supposes it is all just about the same, always. This is how the Mastodon finds his balance.

Would you believe that the Mastodon is going to go exercise his vocal chords at a karaoke bar this evening? Typically, relatives of the proboscid family have a distinctly deep, imperceptible singing voice, but luckily, the American Mastodon possesses a voice sweeter than molasses. He is hoping that all variety of Neil Diamond songs will be available for reciting, as he is particulary fond of America's greatest songwriter.

I am...I said, said the American Mastodon.

The teeth of the American Mastodon were like blunt cones. Scientist believe they probably used these teeth to browse on herbs, shrubs, and trees.


Jessica said...

The American Mastodon, while not particularly talented in the karaoke arts, has a perceptible flair for referring to himself in the third person.

Scientists believe this may have been a significant factor in the chain of events leading to his extinction.

Analogcabin said...

I'm going to tear off The American Mastodon's legs and feed them into a meat grinder.

The Reverend Harlow Jesse Carpenter said...

The Reverend Harlow Jesse Carpenter, guessing that he is some three or four years older than the American Mastodon (making him about 10,004 years old) suggests that the music that came out in the late '80s was great to him in the same way that the music of the early '90s was great to the American Mastodon.

Mathis said...

The American Mastodon, though on the verge of extinction, will not be intimidated by physical threats and personal put-downs. He is, as they say, a survivor. Scientists agree that it is, among other things, a surprisingly hardy specimen.

The American Mastodon is not sure whether the Rev. Carpenter is saying that the music of the late 80's is at an equal level to the music of the early 90's, or if he is saying that any music listened to during the formative years of a specimen's adolescence will, inevitably and without fail, be looked back upon with awe and reverance. The Mastodon thinks some periods of music are better than others, and is glad that he spent those years listening to Dead Letter Office and Come on Pilgrim. He also realizes that that may be exactly what the Rev. Carpenter meant; that all specimens, at all times, defend their era's more spectacular music groups.

The American Mastodon lowers his large head and shakes his snout and tries to get this Mobius strip of logic out of his mind.